


but you're so beautiful, you, who i can't have

by s0ftboiwrites



Series: city that never wakes up [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, Fluff, I don't know how tags work, Implied Relationships, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, chanwoo isn't a baby anymore, during ikon tv shoot, everyone is straight, except yunchan, i am trying to add fluff, kinda angsty, no double b, no junhwan, song yunhyeong is confused, sorry i kinda don't know what do tags do, yunbin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0ftboiwrites/pseuds/s0ftboiwrites
Summary: yunhyeong realized that maybe, just maybe, he's in love with someone. not just a someone, but someone dearest for him. and now, he's fucked.chanwoo, on the other hand, certainly knows what he wants. he's in love with that someone, and that someone might have been in love with someone else, too.





	1. fucked

maybe because he's the last one to join them.

maybe because he's the makne.

maybe because he's his roommate.

maybe because he's his look alike.

but maybe, just maybe, he's not straight.

and maybe, just a tiny bit, chanwoo's into him.

into him too.

because as far as a smell of a burning steak, yunhyeong knows he's fucked.

because maybe, he's in love with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no stable updates,,, im rewatching ikon tv and watching different shows that feature ikon so i could get the timeline right. just to be clear there's no double b / junhwan here xx they are all str8s except my main ship!!! hehe xx


	2. everything about him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yunhyeong has loved and unloved.

 

_if a love that can’t ever be_

_can still count as love_

_will I feel better?_

**_hug me ;_  ikon**

 

i.

 

 

yunhyeong is a fucking mess. well, if you exclude his neatness and cleanliness, which you should, he's an absolute mess. at first, he thought he just like chanwoo as his younger brother, as the maknae is the last one to join the group right before their debut. he wanted to take care of him. of course, all of the members want to take care of the younger, treating him with kindness even before he became a part of the group.

 

 

of course, living and sharing rooms with the maknae has its perks, and yunhyeong wanted to thank god for being chanwoo's roommate. although they always fight because of chanwoo's stubbornness (chanwoo doesn't take orders from anyone while he's playing a game) and messy things (tho they aren't really messy, yunhyeong wants an extra-clean room, not just a 'clean' room), but at the end of the day, after all of their practice and recordings, they will have a lengthy conversation before going to bed.

 

 

those 3 AM 'what-if-the-company-postponed-our-debut', 'what-if-we-didn't-fly-like-our-friends-and no-one-really-supports-us', and 'what-if-we-aren't-really-talented-at-all' conversations, which makes them grow closer together. and most of the fans and even the guys say that they kinda look alike, which solidified their 'brotherly' connection. they share their secrets, their insecurities, their dreams, and thoughts about how the future will unfold for the seven of them. tha maknae is a very sensitive kid inside, as the last person to join the group, he feels the constant pressure of being 'not enough' so he strives to work hard everyday, which impresses the older. 

 

 

chanwoo is a mischievous kid, as the members would say. he often pull pranks to pester his hyungs, especially to yunhyeong. the maknae often teases him and calls him by 'chanwoo' which irritates the older (but really, he likes the idea of chanwoo calling him by his name) and earns the maknae a hit from him.

 

 

yunhyeong misses those times where they would do silly things together, such as playing video games together (yunhyeong didn't mind whenever he loses to the younger), trying new recipes together (with the maknae being the food tester), and sharing their thoughts to each other. yunhyeong knows well about how chanwoo wants to establish himself as a member of the group, and the maknae knows how sad yunhyeong really is inside, masked by his 'positive' attitude.

 

 

the two of them knows about the weaknesses, strength, and secrets of each other. so it's a big question to yunhyeong why suddenly, everything felt intimate to him.

 

 

a touch on his shoulders, a back hug, a grip on his waist, and even small gestures from the younger makes yunhyeong flustered. everything the maknae does for him, yunhyeong's heart flutters as if he's been asked by the former to marry him. it doesn't matter how small efforts the maknae makes to keep him happy, it makes yunhyeong jumping in joy.

 

 

'i shouldn't be thinking that way to chanwoo, he's still a kid!' yunhyeong told himself, as he stares at himself in the mirror.

 

 

of course, he's not homophobic or anything, but he doesn't know how to react about his feelings. he doesn't even know if he's gay. he dated a couple of girls back then, when he was still in junior high, but it was a few years back, and his dreams back then was to have a stable job, not to be a singer. he dreamed to be an actor, which made him sign up for the company in the first place. but yang ceo had another plan. he wanted to debut another boy group after bigbang. and that's where everything started, with team b.  _his family._

 

 

he didn't know that he's falling for the younger. but yunhyeong is a sensible person. he knows that once chanwoo knew about his romantic feelings about the maknae, it will rip the group apart. and he doesn't want that to happen. not when they're about to reach their dreams. not when they all sacrificed almost everything just to achieve it. and certainly not when he knows he can avoid this from happening.

 

 

so he endured. he admits to himself, 'yeah... maybe i like chanwoo more than just a brother. maybe i like him as a man, but it doesn't matter. he's painfully straight. and i am not selfish enough to break everything we've worked hard for.' he didn't confess. he didn't say anything.

 

 

no one knew about his feelings for the younger. but he also wants to get rid of his feelings. at first, he believes that he should avoid the maknae at all cost, to mend his breaking heart and stop himself from liking the younger more. but he doesn't want to be unfair to chanwoo. if the maknae noticed that he's giving him the cold shoulder, it will break the maknae's heart for sure.

 

  

so he didn't confess. and he didn't do anything. he just let everything to continue. he didn't avoid chanwoo, he didn't keep his distance from the maknae. everything goes on like everything is normal. and yunhyeong knows the consequences of his actions. he knows that by not keeping himself away from chanwoo would only develop his new feelings for the younger, but he will endure it all. after all, it isn't his first time in liking a member from the group. so he will endure until his feelings inside of his heart will rot and die.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

yunhyeong liked hanbin. hanbin is a type of person who tries to be independent and fails miserably. yunhyeong sees how hanbin works hard in leading the group, in producing music for their team, teaching the choreography, and helping his teammates. he saw it all with his own eyes.

 

 

and it must've been love, for yunhyeong. he likes watching hanbin like the younger's a walking painting of vincent van gogh's famous work 'starry night'. he likes it how hanbin handles everything, from songwriting to arranging their songs. sure, hanbin can take care of this stuff. but in other things, he's a mess who needs a song yunhyeong to keep him alive.

 

 

yunhyeong is a great cook. he takes care of the members' food as well cleaning their dorms. he helps them with all he can, especially hanbin. hanbin is the leader of the team, sure, but yunhyeong is the glue that keeps the group together. he takes care of them like what he does with his sister. he is the true leader of the group, keeping the group together and mending their souls after a tiring practice, keeping their spirits up whenever the guys lose all hope in a disappointing performance, and making them happy through his great skills as a chef.

 

 

hanbin works hard even in ungodly hours. sometimes, he doesn't even eat anything while working in the studio. he also sleeps less than anyone yunhyeong knows. so, as a person in love, yunhyeong takes care of hanbin's food. sometimes, he even wakes up in the middle of the night and look for hanbin, asking him if he already ate.

 

 

it doesn't matter if it's 5 AM or whatever, it doesn't matter if hanbin says he already ate or not, yunhyeong will make something for hanbin. he will feed him. even though he's tired or his body hurts like hell, he will cook something for hanbin.

 

 

and yunhyeong is dumb. he thought hanbin will look at him the same way he looked at him. but hanbin is straight. he likes girls. he's awkward around them, sure, but hanbin yearns for women.

 

 

and it broke yunhyeong's heart. it hurts how hanbin looks to him like he's just his hyung, not someone as a man. it hurts him how hanbin looks to girls whenever they go out, checking them out and how he salivates whenever he sees pretty ladies wearing tight dresses. and it killed yunhyeong. the first man he ever loved didn't even know about his feelings.

 

 

'i mean, it's not even his fault...' yunhyeong tried to dry his tears as he locked the bathroom.

 

 

the guys are still practicing for their songs and somehow, just seeing hanbin unaffected by his heartbreak is enough to set him off. he excused himself as he couldn't keep his tears from falling. yunhyeong cried himself. he was broken, and he pitied himself. 'i'm crying for someone who didn't love me, even though i never told him," he scoffed. "i'm so pathetic."

 

 

he looked at himself in the mirror. he's a mess, but the members can't know. they will be worried. so he tried to erase any traces of emotional breakdown from his face and went back with the guys.

 

 

the day went on just like any other day. and yunhyeong is focused on his goal. to keep everything that happened and everything he felt bottled inside of him. the guys can't know, they will either think it's weird or gross, and he can't risk losing his friends. so he vowed to himself, he's not falling for someone again.

 

 

he will try to move on from hanbin, and no one will know he was in love with him in the first place. he will get over it, because it's what he does, anyway. he will endure until his feelings inside of his heart died along with his wasted efforts.

 

 

he swore that he won't like anyone ever again.

 

 

//

 

 

what a fucking joke. yunhyeong fell in love again and now, he's sure he's fucked.  _again._ but right now, it's different. he wanted to stop his feelings before he can even confirm it.

 

 

no one should know about his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i kinda rushed it. haha xx it's just an introduction. the timeline in this chapter was during mix and match until debut era (yunchan) and win era (yunbin). just a clarification for yall lmao. ((i will also put lyrics from hug me by ikon, coz it's the theme of this ff))


	3. call me by your name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chanwoo's cold and yunhyeong's determined.

 

 

_sometimes, i’m good_

_with being just_

_someone to lean on_

**_bestfriend ;_  ikon**

 

ii.

 

 

  
yunhyeong is extremely nervous. after almost three years after their debut, ikon is officially filming their own reality show. he can't believe it, not even a single one of it. they were pretty busy with touring during the couple of years after their debut that blackpink, who came after them a year after their debut, got their own reality show ahead of them.

 

 

 

and now, the guys are extremely happy. they wanted to connect with fans, for so long. they even got sns accounts after the release of their second album, return, as a gift from yang ceo. they're all excited to finally interact with their fans because they are always busy with touring.

 

 

 

when they got the notice from the ceo that they will start filming ikom tv by the next weeks, they are glad that they announced it during their re-konnect live stage. they were overwhelmed by the sheer happiness and delight from the fans as they read hundreds of comments left on their posts on instagram.

 

 

 

and now, they will be filming their own segment for episode one. which means they can showcase their funny sides for the fans, as an act of fan service. and it doesn't bother yunhyeong, not even one bit. he's a charmer. he's very friendly, with his nice attitude and charming looks, and his great skills as a chef. he can't wait to show fans how cute and lovely he is.

 

 

 

  
just thinking about it all makes him flustered and smiling like an idiot. it kept him up all night, so when he woke up, a pair of big, brown eyes are looking at him.

 

 

 

  
'yah!' he quickly stand up as if he saw a ghost. 'chanwoo-yah! what are you doing? you almost gave me a heart attack!' he said to the younger, holding his chest not because of a heart attack, but because of his heart might jump out of him.

 

 

 

the maknae smiled at him. 'hyung, i'm hungry,' chanwoo sat on his bed and pulled his blankets, covering himself up. 'it's three minutes past twelve, why didn't you wake up to cook breakfast?'

 

 

 

although his heart beats like crazy, yunhyeong shrugged it off. 'i just overslept. i was up all night,' he answered the question, as he stand up to look for his phone. his room isn't properly clean today, so he thought he will clean everything later.

 

 

 

he took his phone from the table and turned around to see the maknae already asleep. 'chanwoo! get up! did you play games all night?' he asked the younger.

 

 

 

after years of knowing chanwoo, nothing changed much. chanwoo still loves to play games (but not with him anymore, he mostly prefers playing with hanbin or bobby), loves to tease or do mischievous things (but not with him anymore, chanwoo mostly teases jinhwan now, because of his height), and talk about his own insecurities (supposedly it's not with him, too, as he accidentally found chanwoo and bobby talking at 4 of the morning when he went to the bathroom).

 

 

 

  
but still, there's been changes as they all grow old together. chanwoo is getting quite handsome, losing his baby fats as he turned 20 this year, and also growing taller than him. they aren't that close anymore, even though they live in the same floor as hanbin (which is kinda ironic for yunhyeong, he currently lives in a dorm with the guys he liked and currently likes).

 

 

 

chanwoo opened his eyes and just smiled. 'just go cook something, hyung. i'll be there later,' he answered to yunhyeong, as he rolled himself like a burrito. yunhyeong's bed isn't that big as it's built just enough for his height, not for chanwoo's huge gigantic body. chanwoo closed his eyes again as yunhyeong took his towel from his cabinet and left the room, ignoring his blushing cheeks.

 

 

 

it's been almost a year ever since yang ceo gave them this dorm as a gift after their japenese dome tour. it has more space than their previous dorm, thank god. they each can have their own personal space and they can decorate their own rooms without giving a care about their roommates.

 

 

 

but a spacious dorm means chanwoo and yunhyeong won't be roommates, which really sucks. chanwoo has been yunhyeong's go-to person, and vice versa. they know each other's pain, and for yunhyeong, all of the moving shenanigans won't shake this connection.

 

 

 

he's known chanwoo from being his roommate. he knows that chanwoo likes it whenever he's playing his games, or whenever the guys compliment his voice during rehearsals and recording sessions. he knows that chanwoo hates it when hanbin treats the younger differently, giving him little parts to work on for their album, or when hanbin most likely scolds the maknae for not being able to keep up with the choreography.

 

 

 

  
and yunhyeong sees chanwoo as a man. _a grown man._ he doesn't need to be babied anymore. he doesn't need jinhwan anymore, who will always nag about waking up and stuff. he doesn't need a hanbin to practice his voice or the choreography anymore. he doesn't need a bobby who will always give him stuff especially stylish clothes anymore. he doesn't need a junhoe who will always play games with him anymore. he doesn't need a donghyuk who will help him clean the mess as the second-maknae anymore.

 

 

 

and certainly, he doesn't need a yunhyeong anymore. he doesn't need a hyung who nags about an uncleaned room, or always irritates him while playing games. he doesn't need to pull the older so they could watch a baseball game together. he doesn't need a person who will always nag him about not calling his parents for the day. he doesn't need him. chanwoo is a grown man, and he doesn't need yunhyeong. _anymore._

 

 

 

  
//

 

 

 

  
yunhyeong can't seem to place when it happened. did it happen before they even moved out? or after they moved in to their new dorm? yunhyeong can't remember how, for sure. but one thing yunhyeong remembers is how it felt: it felt like someone just stabbed him right in his chest.

 

 

 

chanwoo doesn't ask him if the maknae can help him cook anymore. he doesn't ask him if there's a new recipe he would like to work on so he could help him, not anymore. chanwoo doesn't even ask him how's everything going with him.

 

 

 

it just felt like he completely lost their connection with each other. they're still close, for sure, whenever the guys hang out. after all, they're all his friends and his family. but whenever they're all by themselves (which mostly happens because hanbin literally works like his life depends on it), yunhyeong can't say anything. 

 

 

 

it's awkward. usually, the two of them will be talking with each other in the living room while watching a film or playing games, but ever since they moved out, the two barely hang out anymore.

 

 

 

they only hang out whenever there's bobby or junhoe or hanbin with them. and it fucking hurts yunhyeong. it hurts how what memories chanwoo and him shared were somewhat forgotten already. as if they aren't called  _twin monsters_ because they kinda look alike— and they  _love_ each other.

 

 

 

'yeah, right. twin monsters? we don't look alike!' yunhyeong always disagree with being called the twin #1. but the guys always tease him about it, especially the twin #2. chanwoo always present himself as 'yunhyeong' whenever they're doing a live or filming their behind the scenes for a tour.

 

 

 

he won't admit it, but he kinda likes it. he likes how ikonics says that twin monsters are the most powerful ship because they care and yearn for each other. 

 

 

 

he tried talking to chanwoo about it. it felt like chanwoo was ignoring him. even after a long day of practice, hanbin will go straight in his room while the two of them just sit on the couch in the living room, with a cold distance between them.

 

 

 

chanwoo is obviously playing again on his phone, while yunhyeong doesn't even know what to do. 'should i talk to him, or what?' he asked himself, feeling the awkwardness already. but somehow, chanwoo doesn't seem to be affected by it. he's unaffected by anything because he's playing his online game.

 

 

 

and it upsets yunhyeong. 'how could chanwoo just ignore me like that?' he thought. he didn't do anything to deserve this cold treatment. he even remembers the days after they moved in. he was waiting for chanwoo to come to his room, talk to him, share his thoughts, just like the old times.

 

 

but chanwoo didn't even pay him a visit. as if everything that has happened is just a distant memory. yunhyeong wishes to understand what's happening between them. he wanted to know if he did anything wrong to be ignored, but he can't ask the maknae. 'it's unfair to ask for his attention,' he thought.

 

 

 

the days passed and things aren't better. everyone can see that the closeness between the two has become awkward, but no one said anything. they just thought that the two are fighting.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

finally, yunhyeong had the nerve to ask chanwoo. 

 

 

 

they are by themselves again on the living room, waiting for hanbin to come home for the instructions for filming. the guys living downstairs have their own meeting, too, with jinhwan as the representative. the group thought that it would be best if they get separated into two groups.

 

 

 

'yeah, right. me in a group with the man i liked before and the man who doesn't even talk to me' he sighed.

 

 

 

chanwoo, as usual, is busy playing his games. he's wearing earphones so it's not optional to talk to him right now. so yunhyeong just sat there, with a heavy heart, waiting for hanbin to come home.

 

 

 

after a couple of minutes, hanbin came home. he gave the rules established by the entertainment, and the handouts for the outlines as they shoot the episodes. in no time, the trio is already finished discussing and already given their own self-cameras. 

 

 

 

'ok, that's it. i wanna sleep,' hanbin scoffed. he made his way into his own bedroom, leaving the two by themselves.

 

 

 

they are left again with awkwardness, with yunhyeong thinking what to say. 'should i ask about his day? should i ask if he already ate? should i ask if he's good?' 

 

 

just as he was about to speak, chanwoo suddenly stood up. 'i'm going to sleep,' the maknae said, his gaze on his phone, not even bothering to look at the older.

 

 

'chanu-yah, wait—' yunhyeong couldn't stop the younger from walking away from him. it's like chanwoo wasn't there.  _he's like a ghost, emotionally unavailable._

 

 

 

 

yunhyeong heard a small click, signaling that the maknae already went to his room. leaving yunhyeong all by himself. alone, again. with the words he wanted to say still left on his lips.

 

 

 

he misses how chanwoo always teases him about being his look alike. he misses how chanwoo always drop jokes just to irritate him. how chanwoo always prank him. he misses chanwoo. he misses their moments.

 

 

 

and he'll do anything just to hear chanwoo call himself by yunhyeong again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: when chanwoo asked yoyo to cook for him, that's a week after hanbin explained stuff about ikon tv (so it's just a flashback xx)
> 
> i don't if this is good tho,, i kinda feel i rushed it. hope u enjoy it xx watch ikon tv ep 8!!! i've got ideas bc of that ep!!! lmao x


	4. i was wrong, baby, come back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chanwoo isn't a bad person, and he's sacrificed enough.

 

_you won’t believe_

_what I say anyway_

_can’t I see that_

_beautiful smile again?_

**_what's wrong? ;_ ** **ikon**

 

 

iii.

 

 

 

  
chanwoo is an idiot. he's a pathetic little shit, for giving the warmest and brightest soul in the universe a cold shoulder. he knows that yunhyeong doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

 

 

 

yunhyeong is a walking ray of sunshine. it awes chanwoo how the elder manages to fill the room with happiness and positivity a second he walks in the room. yunhyeong is the glue that binds ikon together. whenever hanbin picks on him whenever he's behind the choreography, chanwoo knows that yunhyeong will always cheer him up.

 

 

 

yunhyeong never fails to amaze him. he knows that yunhyeong is like an old and timeless soul, so he can't really keep up with the trends. but the older never ever said no to him whenever he asked him to play with him, even though he always wins. he likes how the older manages to keep a bright face even though he's feeling a bit down, just to keep the maknae smiling.

 

 

 

chanwoo misses the nights yunhyeong and him shared. he misses talking to the older, sharing his thoughts and his own fears. chanwoo has always been insecure about winning the 7th spot in mix and match. he always feels like he has to step up for the group. 

 

 

 

chanwoo always feels that he could never be an official member of the group, as he's not with them during their hardest times. he wasn't there during win, he wasn't there when most of them wanted to quit the company. he feels like he's just a trainee, up until know.

 

 

 

but whenever he talks about it with yunhyeong, yunhyeong always shrugs it off. 'chanwoo, you're a member of ikon. without you, we can't reach this stardom. without you, we're nothing.' 

 

 

 

talking with yunhyeong has always been his hobby. he misses yunhyeong. and he's a fucking idiot for ignoring his hyung. he doesn't even know if yunhyeong remembers what he did. if he does, then yunhyeong's a pretty good actor for acting like he's clueless.

 

 

 

chanwoo wouldn't admit it, but he likes his hyung. he likes seeing yunhyeong the first thing in the morning and the seeing him before going to sleep. he likes helping yunhyeong whenever the older cooks in the kitchen. he  _loves_ being with yunhyeong. he loves spending time with yunhyeong.

 

 

 

and it slowly kills him ignoring yunhyeong. he wants to hug his hyung, to pester him like the good old times, but after that one unfaithful night, chanwoo doesn't think he could look to yunhyeong's eyes ever again. 

 

 

 

'yunhyeong-hyung is a nice person, and he's too good for me.' chanwoo mumbled to himself, as he watch the busy yunhyeong walking in the hallway, cleaning their dorm.

 

 

 

yunhyeong doesn't remember anything about that night, but chanwoo remembers it vividly, like it just happened yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

yang ceo already set up their new dorm. the guys already picked where they would like to live: the upper floor or the lower. of course, they thought it will be fun if they have to draw lots, choosing their co-habitants.

 

 

junhoe, bobby, donghyuk, and jinhwan picked the lower floor, leaving hanbin, yunhyeong, and him with the upper floor. the three guys aren't bother with being left by themselves, as yunhyeong manages all the cooking, they will all survive.

 

 

 

the guys already packed up their stuff to move out to the new apartment, when junhoe had a  _bright_ idea.

 

 

 

'guys! what if we go clubbing right now?' he suggested enthusiastically, dropping the boxes he's gathering. the guys look at him with disgust.

 

 

 

'seriously?' hanbin asked him.

 

 

 

'yeah, why not? i always wanted to go to this place not far from here. it would be great because it's our last time living near here.' junhoe smirked, as if he already established that they are all going.

 

 

 

chanwoo isn't happy with this all of this  _clubbing_. he's still 19 so he's always left behind the group.

 

 

 

jinhwan looked at the maknae. 'how about chanwoo? we're going to leave him behind?' he pointed out. in this case, chanwoo knows that he'll be left all alone in the dorm to pack the remaining stuff, so he braced himself for the worst.

 

 

 

the group just stared with each other. 'what if we let chanwoo join us?' bobby suddenly suggested. yunhyeong looked at him and then to bobby with disgust. 'really? you're going to make him alcoholic?'

 

 

 

he smiled at yunhyeong's remark. 'c'mon, it will be fun! chanwoo will join us so he won't be all alone here. it's our last day living here, so it would be best if we spend it together!' junhoe answered.

 

 

 

chanwoo has never had a sip of alcohol. okay, he's lying. he already had a taste of it once when bobby left a can of beer in the living room. he chugged it as if it's just a fucking soda and threw the evidence. but strong liquors? never.

 

 

 

the group just sat there thinking in silence. they don't really mind chanwoo drinking, but it's a bar. and as far as they know, chanwoo isn't ready for that sensual place. 

 

 

 

'ok, i surrender. let chanwoo join us, but he won't be drinking hard drinks. and someone should be sober enough so we can all go home.' jinhwan said with finality, with the boys nodding profusely.

 

 

 

 

'then let's get ready!!!' junhoe answered, running towards his room. the other members eagerly run towards their own rooms, dropping everything they're packing.

 

 

 

chanwoo and yunhyeong went to their room, rummaging through the closet. most of their clothes were already packed so they just picked the most stylish clothes left.

 

 

 

chanwoo took his shirt off, with this hyung already half-naked. he didn't bother to cover his growing muscles, as the two already seen each other only wearing towels, as they've been roommates for so long.

 

 

 

he tried to look away seeing yunhyeong only wearing boxers, so he just focused on looking for a denim jacket. chanwoo has a thing for denims that's why he has a lot of them. he just shrugged whenever he caught his hyung's eyes on him.

 

 

 

'chanwoo, let's go,' yunhyeong said, as the older puts lipbalm on his own lips. chanwoo was unashamedly looking at his hyung's lips that yunhyeong had to call him twice. 'yah! jung chanwoo! i said let's go!'

 

 

 

he just nodded, following the older outside. the other guys are dressed, too. so after giving each other compliments and giving chanwoo warnings about not having sex in the club, they all left their dorm.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

chanwoo isn't enjoying this, at all. drinking at a bar is cool, of course, but being the only minor in the group, he somehow feels like an outsider. while his hyungs are in the dance floor, grinding on random ladies.

 

 

 

well, chanwoo wants to dance too, even though he's sober. most of his hyungs are already drunk, especially junhoe, who's currently making out with a girl on stage.

 

 

 

'woah! go junhoe!' jinhwan shouted, pointing at the man. 

 

 

 

chanwoo also wants to make out with someone, too. but not with some random girls. he wants to make out with his  _hyung_ , yunhyeong-hyung. and that hyung is nowhere to be found. he wonders if yunhyeong has already got laid.

 

 

 

but chanwoo knows that he's probably passed out or talking. he knows yunhyeong. his hyung is a sensible person. he won't be doing any stupid things, even when drunk. chanwoo just sighed and drank a bottle of beer.

 

 

 

'hey, don't get drunk! you're too young!' hanbin scolded him, seating on the chair before him. he smirked, knowing the reason why hanbin is here and not on the dance floor.

 

 

 

'hyung, you're old but you're still scared around girls? grow up!' he teased his hyung. hanbin glared at him. 'shut up, jung chanwoo! i will get a girl tonight!' ikon's leader stormed out of the table and walks towards the dance floor, disappearing in the crowd.

 

 

 

he laughed at his hyung. hanbin has always been that way. he doesn't know how to act whenever he's around girls, but is a hopeless romantic. he is the mind behind their group's success.

 

 

 

he was about to call a waiter when bobby dropped a drunk donghyuk in their table. 'holy shit! you should have seen donghyuk, man! he just passed out with all the dancing and stuff!' bobby laughed as if chanwoo can understand his drunk blabbering. he wobbles towards the dance floor again as chanwoo checks on donghyuk.

 

 

 

'hehe, donghyuk-hyung looks like he's already met god!' chanwoo took out his phone and snapped a pic, knowing too well that donghyuk will be embarrassed when he showed the others the pic.

 

 

 

bobby, along with a very drunk junhoe and a passed out jinhwan, returns to their table. bobby just sat exhausted with picking up his members, not realizing that there's still hanbin and yunhyeong to look after. in a matter of minutes, the great bobby is already sleeping too.

 

 

 

'junhoe, where's hanbin-hyung and yunhyeong-hyung?' chanwoo asked the drunkard junhoe who looks like a big ass mess. 

 

 

 

sincehe knows that there's no point in talking with a drunk, he stood up to look for his remaining members. chanwoo's already tipsy with all the drinks he drank, but he knows that he can manage. he wanted to go home actually, so he's more than eager to look for hanbin and his roommate.

 

 

 

he doesn't know where to find yunhyeong, but he's certain that he can find his hyung together with hanbin. he started looking towards the direction hanbin went to, ignoring the girls looking at him. chanwoo is tall for his height, already the tallest in ikon with 6 feet. so it's no wonder why girls like him.

 

 

 

 

but he's not interested with any of them. I he's only interested with  _his hyung._ he's not even sure if he's that smitten over yunhyeong, but he knows he likes yunhyeong with all of his heart. he has never fallen in love but he's sure about his affection to the older.

 

 

 

yunhyeong is not a girl, sure, but it doesn't bother him. chanwoo isn't gay but it doesn't matter to him if he likes yunhyeong. he wants to date yunhyeong actually, but he has no guts to ask him out. he also has no guts to tell anyone about this, because his members might think it's not normal or gross to like a guy.

 

 

 

no one knows he likes yunhyeong, but it doesn't matter. it's okay even if yunhyeong rejects him. but what does matter is what will happen once yunhyeong ignored him after his confession? he couldn't imagine a day where yunhyeong would be distant to him. so he didn't confess to his hyung. by just looking at him, chanwoo is contented.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

he can't find his two hyungs anywhere so chanwoo thought, they might be in the bathroom, passed out. he laughed at the thought. it would be pretty funny if he took a photo of the two passed out together in a bathroom.

 

 

 

so he prepared his phone as he opened the door. but he wasn't prepared on what he saw.

 

 

 

it's hanbin and yunhyeong, together in the bathroom. but they're not passed out. instead, the two are kissing, just like in a movie. chanwoo was frozen.

 

 

 

he didn't know what to do. he was shocked. he felt that his heart is breaking into million pieces. but the two seemed to not noticed his presence, as they continued their passionate kissing.

 

 

 

chanwoo didn't do anything. he feels like he's glued to the floor, to witness the love of his life making out with his friend.  _great job._ he just watched as the two make out, only for hanbin to be stopped by yunhyeong.

 

 

 

'h-hanbin-ah, it isn't right...' yunhyeong said, his cheeks flustered. their leader just looked at him. 'why are you only noticing me now? because you're drunk? l-let's just go home...'

 

 

 

 

chanwoo, again, is frozen. he can't believe that yunhyeong liked hanbin. just as yunhyeong was about to walk away, he was stopped by hanbin. 'w-wait...'

 

 

 

if his heart wasn't breaking inside, chanwoo will think that they're in a k-drama. but this is no drama, and it kills chanwoo how yunhyeong gives in to hanbin.  _hyung, you're supposed to be mine..._

 

 

 

'hanbin-ah, let's just go home... the others must be waiting,' yunhyeong said, as if nothing just happened between them. chanwoo knows that yunhyeong will see him if the older took another step. 

 

 

 

'hyung!' he suddenly popped out like he just entered the bathroom. 'i've been looking for you! let's go home!' he said, acting casually. 'i just hope i'm not obvious with my act,' he said to himself.

 

 

 

yunhyeong just smiled. 'hanbin, let's go...' the older called the man like chanwoo didn't just witness a make out session between then.

 

 

 

hanbin just nodded, and exited the bathroom. he didn't even bother to wait for the twin monsters. just as hanbin closed the door, yunhyeong passed out clinging in his arms. 

 

 

 

even though he's slowly dying inside, chanwoo still helped his hyung towards their table. even though his dick is obviously hard because of that fucking make out session between his two hyungs.

 

 

he each helped his hyungs to ride the van, even though he just wants to cry right now. by the time he has yunhyeong strapped with a seatbelt, he's already sweating profusely. he already asked the driver to take them all home, knowing that he will be forced to take his hyungs to their own bedrooms.

 

 

 

as the van travels towards their home, chanwoo can't get the image of hanbin kissing yunhyeong out from his mind. it felt like it was imprinted onto his mind, feeling his heart shatters for the nth time tonight.

 

 

 

 

he looked at his hyung who's sleeping peacefully. he wanted to be the one who's kissing those lips, not hanbin. he wanted to be the one who will take care of his hyung. and he wanted yunhyeong to be his.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i update fast, am i right? this will probably go on until the end of ikon tv xx so i'll be filling the gaps between the episodes hehe. x next chapter will be the last chapter to introduce the characters so chapter six (or five??? lmao) will be set during ikon tv episode 1. lol uwu xx


	5. a drunk mind speaks a sober heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was a night chanwoo clearly remembers, but yunhyeong clearly fails to remember. mostly because yunhyeong has mistaken chanwoo for someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i deleted the first part because i thought it would be cooler if i just combined the two w a full force smut hehe xx lol i don't know how to write smut so plz enjoy this distasteful smut lmao xx

 

_the night is still young,_

_so are_   _we_

_tell me your heart_

_before the drunkenness goes away_

**_tendae ;_  bobby**

  

 

 

iv. 

 

 

 

 

'remind me again to never drink again with the hyungs, it's so hard to take care of them when i'm drunk myself.' chanwoo mumbled to himself. he was pretty sure that he's the only sober among the group, but boy, he's mistaken as fuck.

 

 

 

 

he only realized it when he was pushing his hyungs to fit inside the elevator. he was getting dizzy and he felt disoriented, the alcohol finally affecting his mind just now. when it came to push hanbin inside the elevator, the maknae just kicked him inside, not thinking whether bobby or donghyuk would get crushed.

 

 

 

 

but when it came to  _his_ hyung, chanwoo made sure that yunhyeong is comfortable inside the elevator before he pressed the button that represents their floor.

 

 

 

when the elevator reached the ninth floor, chanwoo is already pushing his hyungs out of the elevator. some of them are actually half-conscious like bobby and hanbin, and some of them are dead to the world already, like junhoe and jinhwan. 

 

 

 

the maknae checked his watch again.  _it's already four of the morning._  he helped his hyungs to stand up as he entered the passkey. it was hard for chanwoo, especially in picking up the passed out junhoe, who weighs 75 kg.

 

 

 

he left his remaining hyungs in the hallway as he helped bobby and hanbin to sit down in the couch. hanbin is half-conscious, and is currently blabbering about something. he was about to pick up the other guys when he suddenly heard him call yunhyeong's name.

 

 

 

"yunhyeong-hyung... please..." chanwoo can hear his own breathing, his anger rises up like he's going to blow into bits. he just wanna strangle hanbin right there. but he's not drunk, and that's only the alcohol talking. and b.i's just sleep talking, no biggie.  _no fucking big deal._

 

 

 

 _probably thinking and dreaming about that fucking kiss._ chanwoo immediately stopped thinking about that memory, because he can feel his dick stirring inside of his tight pants. he wanted this night to be over, but because of the emptiness inside of him, he just want to get completely drunk. 

 

 

 

he just left the two with a heavy heart as he helps donghyuk and jinhwan to their room. he knows that junhoe, jinhwan, and donghyuk are roommates, but he won't survive if he even tried giving junhoe a piggyback ride.  _i'm going to kill myself if i did that._

 

 

 

he picked up junhoe after that while muttering a lot of curses. 'no shit, junhoe really needs to stop drinking and eating like a hog!' he cursed. he then dropped him on the couch with the two rappers.

 

 

he shook bobby and hanbin's shoulders. 'yah! go to bed, drunkards!' he told them. bobby stirred from his sleep and looked at him. the older just smiled and ruffled his hair, wobbling towards his room. hanbin, on the other hand, just stared at him. he was half-conscious but chanwoo is pretty sure he was already in dream world. the group's leader just stared, which made him queasy.

 

 

 

'hyung, i told you, get some sleep.' chanwoo told him.

 

 

 

but hanbin just looked at his eyes. and he can feel hanbin's stare piercing through his soul. it was awkward, but chanwoo knows better. he helped hanbin stood up and assisted him to his bed. yeah, chanwoo kinda hates— no, hate is such a strong word— dislikes hanbin, but he's still his friend. and no amount of  _jealousy_ can destroy that friendship.

 

 

 

he also helped hanbin into his bed, covering him with extra thick blankets because hanbin has a very skinny body. he just mouthed a 'good night' and was about to leave the room when hanbin called him. 'chanu-yah...'

 

 

 

chanwoo looked at him. 'do you need anything, hyung?'

 

 

 

'don't tell the others... about the... t-thing...' he knows hanbin was embarrassed. he's stuttering, and chanwoo, as the nice kid he is, just acted oblivious about it. 'sure thing, hyung...' he answered, as he completely closed the door.

 

 

 

 _doesn't he love yunhyeong-hyung? is he ashamed of him? about them?_ there's a shit ton of questions going around inside of the maknae's mind, but his no. 1 priority is keeping  _his_ hyung safe. and that hyung is still in the hallway. so he took off and put him behind his back.

 

 

 

he helped yunhyeong lastly, towards their room. it felt really awkward for the maknae to help his hyung, especially now that he knows his hyungs are actually  _in love_ with each other. and no matter how hard he tries to reason out that it's actually  _him_ that song yunhyeong likes, he was still broken.

 

 

 

'hyung, why are you so unfair? why did you let me fall for you and just be in love with someone? you're so unfair...' his voice cracked. chanwoo knows yunhyeong can't hear him, but he wants him— the sleeping yunhyeong, because the maknae has no guts to tell the sober and fully functional yunhyeong about his feelings— to know about what he really feels.

 

 

 

he tugged his hyung to his bed, covering him with blankets. as much as chanwoo would like to be stern towards his hyung, there's a soft part inside of his fucking heart that would always want to take care of his hyung. and after everything that happened tonight, even with a broken heart, jung chanwoo is sure that he still loves yunhyeong. 

 

 

 

_even though he clearly loves hanbin._

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

after he's sure that everyone is already sleeping and junhoe is covered in blankets, he started rummaging into the fridge. he's sure jinhwan keeps his wine here, but he wanted a stronger alcohol. so he can sleep. and forget about everything he saw, just like what hanbin wanted.

 

 

 

he started looking in the lower portion of the fridge, where yunhyeong keeps the vegetables. and behind the cabbages and carrots, he found what he was looking for: bobby's secret stash of vodka.

 

 

 

he knows that it's bad for him to drink vodka, especially now that he's kind of drunk. but he wants to drown his sorrows with the alcohol, so he picked up one bottle of vodka (the opened one, of course) and took a bunch of chips from the cupboard.

 

 

 

he wanted to get wasted. he wanted to forget about the kiss. he wanted to forget about what he witnessed between his two hyungs. he wanted to forget about his feelings for yunhyeong. he wanted to drink it all away.

 

 

 

that's why it's no surprise when he was already dizzy and his head felt heavy as he emptied out the glass full of vodka. he can actually feel the vodka and burning his fucking throat, but whatever, he needed that.

 

 

 

he just refilled the glass with vodka and drank everything like a fucking drunkard. he didn't even realize that he almost finished the bottle, his world spinning as hell.

 

 

 

and now, he's drunk. very, very drunk. he can't actually feel his face right now, but he needed that to sleep. chanwoo is drunk right now but he decided that he should clean up his mess. he tossed the vodka back to the fridge and cleaned up the empty wrappers of junk food in the coffee table. he's very drunk so his actions are actually quite messy.

 

 

 

he wobbles towards his own bedroom, where his drunk hyung is already sleeping. 'the sun hasn't risen yet, so it's probably still five of the morning...' he thought.

 

 

 

he opened the door and sat in his bed, staring at his hyung.  _how dare you, hyung? how dare you break my heart and still look dashing as hell?_ before he can stop himself, chanwoo reached for his hyung's shoulders and angrily shook him.

 

 

 

yunhyeong suddenly woke up. 'h-huh? w-what? g.. good morning...' he's evidently still drunk with all the shit they've drank last night. but chanwoo doesn't care. he wanted to talk to yunhyeong.

 

 

 

chanwoo sat down in the floor, his vision currently spinning as if he's on some kind of psychedelic drug. 'h-hyung! w... why do... don't you l-love... me?! why?' the maknae angrily accused him. yunhyeong just stared at him, his eyes half-closed.

 

 

 

it must be because of the lights turned off, so instead of his name, yunhyeong thought he was someone else. 'han... bin? hanbin-ah?' yunhyeong is still drunk, as chanwoo can hear his voice trembling a bit.

 

 

 

but it didn't help chanwoo's situation. he can feel his anger rising up inside of him, and instead of answering, he just glared to his hyung.  _i am n-not hanbin! i'm not him!_ he felt screaming at that very moment, but he just stared.

 

 

 

when his gaze accidentally landed on his hyung's lips, the memory of hanbin and yunhyeong kissing suddenly hit him.

 

 

 

and maybe because of his alcohol intoxicated mind, or just because of what he currently feels, chanwoo suddenly kissed him on his lips. he can taste his hyung's lipbalm through this lips, and he was so turned on mainly because the vodka released all his inhibitions.

 

 

 

yunhyeong, on the other hand, was surprised.  _hanbin is kissing him._ he was shocked, of course. because hanbin was the first man he ever loved, the first man he wanted to have his firsts, the first man to break his heart. and the thought that hanbin could actually like him back made him ecstatic. so he kissed him back, thinking it was  _hanbin_  he's kissing. 

 

 

 

when in reality, it was chanwoo he's kissing. the  _boy he currently loves._

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

one second, they were just kissing. but now, they're in chanwoo's bed, making out. chanwoo is on top of yunhyeong, caressing his hyung's cheeks as he torridly kisses him. chanwoo swears he can hear his own heartbeat, as his heart's pounding louder than ever.

 

 

 

he can feel yunhyeong's lips, grinding with his own. and it made him feel good, feel good as in he can actually feel his erection down there. and he can't fucking believe that he's making out with  _him._

 

 

 

chanwoo might be young, but he's not dumb. he knows what love feels like. he knows it was love whenever he feels a sudden tingling sensation everytime he sees yunhyeong. he knows it was love because he goes crazy whenever yunhyeong is out hanging out with his own friends.

 

 

he was smitten with yunhyeong, but it breaks him how it was  _hanbin_ , not him, that yunhyeong actually  _likes_. thinking about it, chanwoo knows it was  _wrong_ to actually make out with his hyung when yunhyeong was actually mistaken him for someone else.  _someone else named kim hanbin._

 

 

 

he stopped kissing his hyung as he sat in the edge of the bed.  _i can't just kiss hyung if he mistaken me of hanbin-hyung._ and chanwoo's no rapist. 'it wasn't consensual if they keep this,' his rational and not-so-sober side was right.

 

 

 

'ha... hanbin... why did y-you stop?' yunhyeong was slurring, mainly because he's fucking drunk. but he actually craves for  _hanbin's lips_ on his lips. 

 

 

 

 _hanbin_ looked at him, his back facing the older. 'i don't think this is right, h-hyung...' yunhyeong immediately gave him a hug from behind, embracing the maknae's waist. 'h-hanbin-ah... it's okay... i... l-let's do... do it...' he slurred, his hands slowly reaching out for chanwoo's still hard dick.

 

 

 

it was chanwoo's last straw, his rational side already died after yunhyeong touched him. his lips immediately intertwined with the older's lips, their teeth grinding together. yunhyeong was surprised, but his lips moved along with the maknae's lips shortly after.

 

 

 

chanwoo leads the way as he pushed yunhyeong in the bed, he's hand travelling through yunhyeong's shirt, signaling the older that he wanted it off.

 

 

 

yunhyeong needed to breathe in air, but chanwoo used this chance to enter his mouth with his tongue, mapping every single centimeter of the older's mouth with his tongue. yunhyeong was turned on, so he puts his arms in chanwoo's nape to deepen the kiss.

 

 

 

chanwoo might be younger than yunhyeong, but he thinks he's more experienced than the older. chanwoo knows sex isn't for his age, but he's doing a lot of  _research_ about having sex with  _both_ genders because he's curious. 

 

 

 

and it actually paid off during this moment. he guides yunhyeong in what pleasures the maknae, and he made sure to return the sensation to the older, too. he took of his shirt, as he continues on planting soft kisses on the older's neck, which made yunhyeong moan.

 

 

 

chanwoo didn't mind whenever yunhyeong calls him hanbin, or whenever he screams the leader's name out of pleasure. it keeps breaking his heart, for sure, but fuck it. he wanna get to his hyung's pants. and he has endured so much last night that he can't stop himself from having sex with the man he loves.

 

 

 

'a.. aaaah...' the older moans, as the younger touched his manhood. it's not bigger than his dick, but it's still huge nonetheless. chanwoo kissed him on the lips as he helped the older in removing his jeans.

 

 

 

after he successfully removed his pants, chanwoo was suddenly pushed by yunhyeong to the bed, as he sat on the younger's lap, only wearing his boxer shorts.

 

 

 

chanwoo can feel his hyung's ass in those shorts, so without thinking, he groped his clothed ass as he let his hyung sit on his crotch. the sensation of yunhyeong's ass sitting on his manhood made him moan.  _it definitely feels good._

 

 

 

yunhyeong reached for his neck, intertwining their lips for the nth time. he reached for his hyung's hair, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. their tongues battling each other, arms travelling each other's body. chanwoo knows when the morning comes, yunhyeong will probably remember having sex with  _hanbin,_ not him.

 

 

 

but he wanted to treasure this moment, between him and yunhyeong. forever. and he doesn't want this to stop, and he secretly hoped for the sun to never rise.

 

 

 

yunhyeong was moaning between his kisses, and leaving marks on his back. can't keep it any longer, chanwoo tossed the older carefully as he unbuckled his belt and removed his pants. 

 

 

 

their lips part, and meet, and part, and meet, over and over and over, as they kiss hungrily, passionately, yunhyeong's hands on his shoulders, and his neck, and in his hair, he felt the eagerness of the older and the heat burning inside of him.

 

 

 

'h.. hyung... are you... p-prepared? do... you have... c-condoms... l-lube?' he was stuttering, mainly because he's embarrassed. yunhyeong stopped kissing him, but he still sucked his neck, like a thirsty vampire, which made the younger groan. his hands are on the older's waist, moving his hips upward and downward, creating a rhythm while chanwoo's hips are moving upward.

 

 

 

based on his research, anal sex should be meticulously prepared by the one who  _tops_ and the one who  _bottoms._ yunhyeong stared at him, and smiled. 'of course... i p-prepared myself... f... for... for you, hanbinnie...'

 

 

 

it doesn't mind him,  _not at all_. because when the morning comes, chanwoo knows he will  _remember_ everything. he just smiled as he bit the older's lower lip, pulling yunhyeong for a rough riss. chanwoo is already hard as fuck, his arousal is already viciously high. and he can also feel the older's shaft, poking his stomach.

 

 

 

everything about song yunhyeong makes chanwoo go crazy, from the soft touch of his fingers running through his hair, tugging him to deepen their kisses. to the taste of the inside of the older's warm, wet mouth, where his tongue delves deeper and exploring every inch there is to explore, his desire of the younger to be inside of him. he can taste the alcohol and the strawberry-flavored lipbalm from the older's mouth, turning him on even more.

 

 

 

the plump, inviting press of yunhyeong's perfect ass against his dick, grinding down so gently and so slowly that chanwoo is simultaneously in blissful heaven, and in agonizing hell, makes the maknae moan out of pleasure. yunhyeong is pushing his ass closer, pressing harder against his clothed dick that he starts to guide the older's hips to feel the cleft of yunhyeong's ass against his clothed erection, sliding with every movement, giving them immense pleasure.

 

 

 

he can't control his feelings anymore, their kisses felt more sensual, driving him crazy. he stopped kissing yunhyeong, pressing their foreheads together, staring on the beauty before him. and yunhyeong didn't shy away from his stare, their eyes meeting with such intensity. chanwoo swears he could feel yunhyeong's diving right into his fucking soul as the rhythm of their hips gets a lot hotter, and the heat between them unbearable.

 

 

 

 _am i supposed to be in love with you? fuck that. i am so smitten with you, hyung._ chanwoo knows yunhyeong couldn't hear him, with all of that foreplay and grinding his ass on chanwoo's dick, but it's what he feels right now. 

 

 

 

'don't... you like that... hyung?' chanwoo was breathless, but he's smirking. he knows that he left such an effect to the older as he can feel yunhyeong's body shivering and how he dug his nails on the younger's back. his eyelids flutter, and there’s a flush on the tops of his cheeks, now, but he only pushes down harder, and, to the maknae's slight surprise, and immense arousal, yunhyeong nods.

 

 

 

he was about to pull down yunhyeong's boxer shorts when the older suddenly stood up, picking something below his own bed. a fucking condom and a bottle of lube, which earned him a laugh from chanwoo.

 

 

 

'hyung, i-i swear... you're g-going to be... the death of  _me..._ ' he said, pulling the older into his arms. chanwoo glances downward, as they continue to rock together, he slides his hands down from yunhyeong's neck, onto his hips, and onto the spread of his thighs, down to his knees, and then back up again, pressing his fingers in right by his crotch, but never touching him there. 

 

 

 

he planted small kisses in yunhyeong's chest, his lips sliding down as he fondles yunhyeong's  _great_ thighs. chanwoo's hands found their way down to his thighs, admiring the obvious outline of yunhyeong's erection, pressing his fingers down a bit on the tented material. yunhyeong moans out of pleasure, and chanwoo's having fun on teasing his hyung.

 

 

 

chanwoo wanted him like this, right in his lap, face-to-face, close enough that he can see every euphoric moment of joy in those soulful, lovely eyes. _the love of his life._ even though he clearly loves hanbin, not  _chanwoo._ he loves him, no matter what. even though it hurts him, _he loves every inch of song yunhyeong's body and soul._

 

 

 

chanwoo is really fucking drunk. and he's madly in love with yunhyeong.

 

 

 

the older's fingers wind their way down into chanwoo's hair, urging him to remove his boxers. and chanwoo, as the nice kid he is, obeyed his hyung. he took off the boxer slowly, much like acting sensual with yunhyeong, and tossing the garment in the floor. and now, yunhyeong's only wearing his underwear.

 

 

 

as he was about to remove it, yunhyeong used his grip in the maknae's hair to pull his head upward, and in a matter of seconds, their position is changed, with yunhyeong on top of him.

 

 

 

'my turn...' he grabbed chanwoo's crotch, which made the younger gasp. he was surprised with the older's sudden eagerness, but heck, he's here for that. the older took of his boxers, along with his underwear and now, he's completely  _naked_ in front of yunhyeong. 

 

 

 

but he's not ashamed, not at all. he can say he's pretty big for his age and because of the alcohol, all of his inhibitions have evaporated into thin air. he saw how the older's eyes sparkled in seeing his full length, and he's fucking turned on even more.

 

 

 

on the other hand, yunhyeong's fucking amazed. holding  _hanbin's_ dick in his hands made the older's legs trembling. it was definitely above average, the very definition of  _perfect thickness_ , and it was begging to be worshipped. yunhyeong sighed softly and pressed his lips against the head softly, peppering quick kisses along his shaft before he felt  _his_ hands in his hair, moaning his name.

 

 

 

'a... aaaah, hyung....'  _hanbin_ was breathtaking, even though he can't really see  _him_ because all the lights are off. yunhyeong was aroused with all the sounds  _hanbin_ was making, so he nuzzles deeply on the  _younger's_ erected cock, seeking damp heat and stench. he grabbed the _younger's_ stomach, causing  _hanbin_ to flex— yunhyeong swears he touched  _his_ abs and god,  _they were godly_ — to provide support as his tongue licks every single inch of  _his_ dick.

 

 

 

snuggles progressed at speed to kisses, to little licks, to less-than-gentle drenching. With the flat of his tongue, yunhyeong swept up _hanbin's_ cock from root to tip, again and again, now pausing to ghost breaths over the head, now tracing teeth delicately up over straining veins. he loves every single inch of it.

 

 

 

'fuck...'  _hanbin_ whispered, which he could only respond with a grunt, as he's concentrating on the godly dick before him. he took the head of the _younger's_ dick so gently, between is front teeth, and slid it in and out, in and out, not sucking, just wet, hot, and traces of his saliva each time  _hanbin's_ cock comes out of his mouth.

 

 

 

he was really into it when the  _younger_ stopped him. 'w-wait... i don't wanna... c-come yet...' _he_ told him, pulling him to bed, reversing their positions.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

chanwoo's getting horny as fuck. he can't believe yunhyeong just gave him the best head he ever got in his life (it was his first time to get a blowjob but yeah, nevermind) but he doesn't want to come yet. he wanted to pleasure his hyung, and he wanted it now.

 

 

 

he took of his hyung's briefs, finally, and slowly kissing his way down towards yunhyeong's ass, with his head between the older's thighs. and sliding his hands under the small of yunhyeong's back to get just enough lift to really work some _fucking_ magic, chanwoo knows he'll do great at eating his hyung's ass.

 

 

 

he does that, now, presses down firm on that sensitive little creased ring of muscle, and wonders how it can possibly be so soft and inviting, because that’s quite the opposite of what an asshole should be. 

 

 

 

 'a... ahhhh... hanbin.... ah.....' 

 

 

 

chanwoo just focused on eating ass, instead of being mad at his hyung for calling  _hanbin's_ name and not his. he lets a clump of saliva drip from the end of his tongue and onto yunhyeong's hole, watches the way it starts to run inside, and then follows it with his mouth, kissing, sucking, prodding his way in just past the rim, earning him moans from the older.

 

 

 

chanwoo uses his thumb to press him open, using other hand to put yunhyeong's leg at his shoulders. yunhyeong's lifting his own hips, too, angling his entrance in the maknae's mouth, scared for the sensation to end. he can't see yunhyeong, though, he can definitely hear him whimpering, whining, and moaning  _his name._

 

 

 

his tongue is inside, now, pressing in and out in a gentle rhythm, which he can only assume is responsible for the way yunhyeong's thighs are shaking either side of his head. his hyung's fingers are tugging into his hair now, pressing him down, for him to deepen his exploration. he wants to go deep, too, because yunhyeong's ass tastes great.

 

 

 

 _i can do a lot with my fingers,_ he thought. he suddenly felt an electrifying sensation of lust and excitement, as he removes his tongue from yunhyeong with a slow lick, kissing his way back out. yunhyeong must be feeling great with all the ass-eating, as his hand tried to reach for the maknae's hair, only to be stopped by chanwoo.

 

 

 

chanwoo picked up the box of lube and opened it, as he tips a generous amount of the lube out to begin warming it in his hand, placing the bottle onto the floor beside them. spoiler alert: in a few minutes, yunhyeong will be moaning out of pleasure.

 

 

 

yunhyeong just looked at him, and smiled. he uses his non-lube-covered hand to lift a pillow from the floor, fluffs it a bit, and tucks it beneath the older's hips. 'ready?' he asked him.

 

 

 

yunhyeong didn't answer. instead, he just put his left thigh over chanwoo's shoulder, urging him to continue.

 

 

 

chanwoo lowers his hand to yunhyeong's ass, and rests his now warm, lubed-up middle finger between his cheeks, slowly rubbing back and forth.

 

 

he can actually hear yunhyeong's heavy breathing, as his eyelids wilt a little, chanwoo was worried about him. 'this... is this... okay?' the older just nodded.

 

 

 

he settles his finger over the tight little entrance, rubbing in small circles. yunhyeong moans loudly, which made chanwoo ecstatic. yunhyeong can already feel his insides being stretched out by  _him_ , and it's only one finger. it leaves a slight burning sensation inside of his ass.

 

 

 

then, chanwoo suddenly inserted his two fingers, making the older howling in pleasure, jerking his body intensely. scared of being caught, the maknae put his non-lube-covered hand against his mouth to stop him from screaming, all while rubbing his insides with his fingers. 

 

 

 

chanwoo can't fucking wait to fill his hyung up. he can feel yunhyeong's stiff body, reacting to the sensation of being fucked by chanwoo's fingers. he twisted his fingers inside of the older, angling them to the left and thrusting them in. he knows he hit yunhyeong's prostate, because the latter was moaning and arching his back like hell.

 

 

 

and right there, chanwoo knows he's the most beautiful person he's ever seen. and he can't believe he's about to have sex with that same person. yunhyeong's moans are like music to his ears, and he decided that yunhyeong's ready for  _him._

 

 

 

he removed his fingers inside of his hyung, which made the older grunt. he admired the sticky, glossy mess on his fingers, as he wipes it across yunhyeong's  _powerful_ thighs. he admires the view from his position, the love of his life ready for  _him._ and he knows it's time.

 

 

 

 _he will fuck yunhyeong hard._ the thought made him aroused with such excitement. as the maknae slides the condom on, yunhyeong stared at him intently, his vision blurry with all the alcohol he's drank. yunhyeong intently watched as the younger lubed himself up, hips shifting and swirling slowly in chanwoo's lap in quiet, subconscious desperation.

 

 

 

 _i swear i'm going to come if hyung doesn't stop from being so fucking adorable,_ he thought. although he's confident with his size, chanwoo worries that he won't last for about five minutes with the sensation of being inside yunhyeong.

 

 

 

the thought alone makes him ecstatic, what's gonna happen when he's finally fucking his hyung to oblivion? he's going to kill himself, because of shame. 

 

 

 

chanwoo was spaced out with his thoughts that it took seconds to process why yunhyeong's already on top of him, his honest-to-god-lovely thighs sliding apart either side of his hips, staring at his big, brown eyes, the older's hands on his shoulders.

 

 

 

'w... wait... are y-you... sure... hyung?' he asked.

 

 

 

'y-yeah... i wanna... wanna do it like this...' yunhyeong answered as their eyes meet. chanwoo didn't disagree with that.  _as if i'm going to fucking say no to that._

 

 

 

his hands braced his hyung's waist, as he readied themselves with the position. he positioned his cock, adjusting his length against yunhyeong's rim. yunhyeong lowers his body, and chanwoo can feel his head pressed against his entrance, the sensation rubbing against him sends chills to his spine, making him moan. if it's up to chanwoo, he'll immediately fuck him like he has fucking blue balls. 

 

 

 

but he wanted to take it slow, as it is a memory worth remembering, even though he's drunk. chanwoo finds his own breath catching in his throat as yunhyeong keeps lowering, and he feels the tip of his cock slip all the way into him with surprisingly little force. he can feel the older's already tightening around him, which made him moan loudly.

 

 

 

 _it's not even inside of him but fuck, it already feels good,_ he thought, closing his eyelids because of the pleasure. yunhyeong, however, felt like he was being stabbed. it stings to have  _hanbin's_ length inside of him, but he didn't care. all he wanted was to finally feel him inside of him.

 

 

 

yunhyeong slides down against  _his_ cock, the younger's length consumed by his entrance. yunhyeong swears he can fucking die with the sensation alone right there, his body jolting with all the fucking intensity of their intimacy.

 

 

 

chanwoo gets a grip on the older's hips again, as the older shifts his hips while the maknae's dick's inside of him, testing how it feels. and it all of his worries vanishes completely when he only saw pleasure from his hyung's face, with signs of discomfort vanished into thin air already. he tries to retain any remaining sensible part of him, because yunhyeong fucking felt good around him.

 

 

 

yunhyeong holds his breath throughout, as he sinks into chanwoo's lap, brow knotted in an erratic mixture of discomfort and odd, breathtaking pleasure. and now, they're finally  _one._ his chest against the maknae's, it definitely feels good to be entered by such good dick. 

 

 

 

chanwoo moans out his name. 'a... ahhh... so... f-fucking... tight...' chanwoo keeps his arms around him tight, now, and yunhyeong is warm and soft against him, and the feeling of just being inside him, right up to the root, is fucking  _godly_. _it's definitely one of a fucking kind experience._

 

 

 

they are both silent, as they are savouring each other's body. yunhyeong, however, without warning, starts these tiny, slow rotations in his lap that are just fucking  _divine_. and it made chanwoo moan in pleasure, as he stares on his hyung's eyes, he can fucking see that yunhyeong's eyes radiate with lust. 

 

 

 

and swear to god, he can feel the intensity as yunhyeong starts sliding upwards and downwards, creating a less pronounced rhythm, but still enough to make the younger arch his back to feel his hyung's tight hole.  _fuck, he's so tight._

 

 

 

yunhyeong's getting quicker with his pace, his rhythm becoming more pronounced, which makes the older groan in pleasure. his movements with his hips make chanwoo, fall in love,  _all over again._ he's just sitting back, letting the older take full control of his length, and honest to  _fucking_ god, 'it feels really good' is an understatement. 

 

 

 

but it's not what he wants. he wants to dominate the older, and with a swift move, he switched their positions once again, with him on top of yunhyeong. chanwoo wraps his arm around yunhyeong's waist and pulls him back so his back is pressed against chanwoo’s chest. he fucks into him hard and fast and yunhyeong's practically moaning out of pleasure.

 

 

 

his fingers running down in the older's back, chanwoo's mind is a fucking mess. he is fucking his song yunhyeong, his long time crush, the love of his life. and yunhyeong's fucking tight, as if his brain's down there, inside of his hyung, and yunhyeong's tight hole deprived him the ability to fucking think.

 

 

 

it only takes a couple more thrusts before yunhyeong clenches around him, muscles locking up and throat frozen around a yell as he comes. chanwoo was surprised, because he's not even touching his hyung's cock but he managed to came. 

 

 

 

chanwoo was getting more and more rough with his thrusts, his rhythm long gone, signaling he's about to fucking come. yunhyeong, even though he literally came minutes ago, arches his back hard against him, pressing against chanwoo's length, rubbing up against his skin with every movement as chanwoo continues to rut into him all the way through his lengthy finish.

 

 

chanwoo removed the used condom and threw it below his bed. the two just sleepily stare on each other, silence between them. he lies down to bed besides yunhyeong, caressing the older's cheek.

 

 

 

yunhyeong must be tired, and fucking drunk, because chanwoo knows he's already asleep. the maknae just smiled.

 

 

he planted a soft kiss in the older's lips. 'good night, hyung.'

 

 

 

he's sure, that he will remember everything. but he guesses that yunhyeong probably won't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol just so u know consent is a must during sex!!! x so the story will focus on the aftermath of that one night stand hehe xx lmao i'll be posting the first official chapter by next week x 
> 
> p.s. support blackpink y'all or i'll hit u with that ddu du ddu du lmaoooo~
> 
> p.p.s this is the longest shit i've ever written LMAO plz send me some luv xxx


	6. one last time, let me touch you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kim hanbin could've made things better, but instead he chose to fuck it all up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of mild sadness, internalized homophobia, and alcohol.
> 
> hey!!! it was hard to write especially now that im studying xx but ill try to update as soon as possible and after this chapter, i'll start the first chapter for episode 1 of ikon tv!!! xx plz support mah boiz on their next comeback next july!!! lmfao all the luv xx plz support ikon tv until the very end lmao
> 
> psa: i wrote this chapter because in the middle of writing different perspectives from the members, jinhwan's and b.i's stood from the rest that's why i compiled em here xx

 

_it’s so pathetic,_

_i guess i liked you a lot_

_after you left, the blue sky_

_looks yellow in my eyes_

**_missing you ;_**   **g-dragon ft. kim yuna**

 

 

 

v.

 

 

 

 

yunhyeong doesn't know what the fuck happened between him and chanwoo. he doesn't remember anything that might have upset the maknae. heck, it's been months ever since they moved in to the new dorm and it's been too long since they've talked to each other.

 

 

 

yunhyeong misses him, he really _fucking_ misses him. he misses his little pranks on him, teasing him for being a mom, or whatever. he misses the times he was the younger's go-to person, whenever he feels glum. he misses the little things chanwoo does _for_ him, like asking if he wanted anything when the maknae goes out.

 

 

 

he misses those moments when chanwoo calls him _chanwoo_ , or his twin. yunhyeong yearns for chanwoo's loving touch, his laughter because of the older, his warm hugs, his rants during his games, his _everything_.

 

 

 

whenever he wakes up, he wishes he could wake up with the maknae's face before him. he wishes he could touch his face, trace the maknae's dimples with his fingers, and to _kiss_ him. he wanted chanwoo, to be his everything. and sometimes, yunhyeong just wants to be selfish.

 

 

 

_maybe, just this once._

 

 

 

he wanted to scream. he wanted to say everything, to say that he loves chanwoo with all of his heart. he wanted to show the maknae how he badly wants to kiss him. how he wishes it was him chanwoo's hugging, not jinhwan, not bobby, not donghyuk, not junhoe, not hanbin. _he wishes it was him._

 

 

 

he wanted to be by his side forever. yunhyeong misses whenever the younger asks him if they could cuddle, because they practically  _sleep_ together since mix and match. he misses the younger's arms wrapped around his waist, chanwoo's chin against his messy hair, feeling loved by the maknae. 

 

 

 

 _fuck nostalgia,_ yunhyeong thought. he hates it when he looks for something— or _someone_ — that isn't there anymore, and he can't do anything about it. it felt like he was completely erased from chanwoo's life, as if the whole _twin monsters_ thing is just a big fan service.

 

 

 

 

_he hates it._ but hate is such a strong emotion, and yunhyeong isn't a loathsome person. but he still dislikes how chanwoo treats him coldly, different from the other guys. and he dislikes them for not asking him about it.

 

 

 

as if they're turning a blind eye from everything that's happening. and yunhyeong's scared with all of the fucking emotions. it's been too long ever since he had a deep conversation with anyone from the group. and it felt like he's drowning from his own thoughts, slowly killing him.

 

 

 

he wants it to stop, really. he just wanted someone to notice, someone to listen, someone bold enough to care.

 

 

 

but sadly, that _someone_ already left him, all alone. alone with his broken heart, alone with his thoughts, all alone.

 

 

 

the upstairs dorm is always empty, marginally because hanbin is always at the studio, gearing up the team for their news songs. but mostly because the two remaining members living inside that dorm don't talk to each other anymore.

 

 

 

and yunhyeong's to broken to come out of his room or do cleaning. if it isn't for jinhwan, yunhyeong wouldn't have cleaned the living room because the mathyung said it already has spider webs.

 

 

 

he just smiled with that comment, but his smile never reached his eyes. as if the happiness inside of him also went with chanwoo.

 

 

 

but jinhwan didn't notice, fortunately. or didn't say anything about it. because jinhwan knows what's up.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

 

it's been bugging jinhwan how awkward the twin monsters has become. they were used to be  _that_ close, for god's sake. that's why the guys named them twin monsters, not only because they look alike, but because they  _were_ inseparable. 

 

 

 

and they are very great in acting, he gives them that. whenever there's camera around, they would act like they're so fucking close and such that it's actually quite cringy to watch them. the second the camera focuses on other members, they will be awkward again, as if their whole friendship is for fan service.

 

 

 

and the guys notice that, too, but they don't know what to say. unlike the awkwardness between junhoe and bobby, the awkwardness between the two are more like  _soul-killing_ that jinhwan couldn't see the two together in the same room anymore.

 

 

 

he remembers their trip to hawaii, where they spent a vacation without any cameras for the first time in a long time. they were separated in three groups: based on where they want to go and what activities they want to do. jinhwan and b.i was partners, junhoe and bobby (which was funny as fuck because they wouldn't look at each other) are partners, too, and donghyuk, chanwoo, and yunhyeong are teammates.

 

 

 

it was a disaster; in the first day, yunhyeong chose to stay inside of his hotel room while the two travel around the town. that's why jinhwan, considerate as ever, decided to let yunhyeong join bobby and junhoe, to ease the awkwardness between the two (because yunhyeong's a ray of sunshine).

 

 

 

it hurts to see the friendship between the two wither away. it hurts to see how the two tries— note the word "tries"— to avoid each other, as much of possible. it hurts how yunhyeong has become lonely, without the maknae to share his feelings.

 

 

 

he knows chanwoo's special for yunhyeong. of course, they were roommates. that's the special bond between them. it started in mix and match, when yang ceo announced that they will be undergoing a new survival show, to debut as the group ikon.

 

 

 

they introduced the new trainees jung chanwoo and jung jinyeong to the current members of team b. and it was fucking awkward, even jinhwan admits it. but it was yunhyeong who made the atmosphere lighter, saying that chanwoo and him kinda look alike.

 

 

 

and the rest, as they say, is history. they became good friends, and when the survival show ended, and when the final lineup for ikon was announced, the two became best of buds, even sharing a room together.

 

 

 

but after their last night in their old dorm, things went sour between the two. jinhwan thought it was because the two were used to being roommates that they are savouring their personal space away from each other, but he knows that's not it. yunhyeong's not the type to shut himself from everyone (that's chanwoo's personality, though, locking himself out from the world and playing games all day and all night long).

 

 

 

and with their sudden coldness and awkwardness with each other, kim jinhwan concluded that something's up between the two.

 

 

 

he first asked hanbin, their leader, about it. of course, hanbin would've known the reason, the three are leaving together in the upstairs dorm. but he's out of luck, though, as kim hanbin is just as clueless as he is on what's happening between the two.

 

 

 

'i don't really know, hyung... maybe they fought? i don't know, hyung. those t-two are always bickering about cleaning and stuff... maybe t-they just... fought?' 

 

 

 

_okay,_ jinhwan thought. he's certain that kim hanbin  _knows_ what's really up, and deliberately trying to cover it up. but instead of confronting the group's leader, jinhwan just let him.

 

 

 

he knows, for sure, it's not just a problem between yunhyeong ang chanwoo, it's between the  _three_ of them. and the eldest is going to find out about what's happening.

 

 

 

on the other hand, hanbin really considers suicide at that very moment. he was guilty, of course. he's the reason why everything went to shit between the two.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

_because of that stupid alcohol, our group is getting fucked up,_ b.i murmured to himself, fixing his stuff as he prepares to go to his music studio.

 

 

 

it's not like jinhwan's the only one with a keen eye. he can feel the awkwardness between the two, of how chanwoo prefers to sit next to other guys _except_ yunhyeong, how chanwoo teases the members  _except_ yunhyeong, and how chanwoo acts as if nothing's wrong whenever they are on stage.

 

 

 

honestly, it pisses hanbin off. it hurts him how chanwoo treats yunhyeong like trash, as if everything they've gone through together doesn't matter for the maknae. it hurts him how chanwoo treats everyone indifferently but yunhyeong, as hanbin can feel the loneliness yunhyeong feels inside.

 

 

 

it hurts to see yunhyeong like this. it hurts to hear his hyung cry every night, and pretending to not hear anything makes it unbearable for hanbin. it hurts to see yunhyeong staring longingly on the seat next to him during dinner, waiting for the maknae to finish his games.

 

 

 

he wanted to be there for yunhyeong. he wanted to comfort him, to let him cry on his shoulder, to help hi from the pain he feels. he wanted to protect yunhyeong from the pain, to tell him everything will be alright.

 

 

 

but hanbin knows he's being selfish. he knows he was already _given_ the chance to be with yunhyeong. to be together with him, to let him feel the love from the older once and for all. but his own cowardice made a run from it. all because hanbin was scared it might fucked up their group.

 

 

 

because he's in love with yunhyeong, and he chose to break yunhyeong's heart because he thought yunhyeong's feelings won't change. it was so selfish for him to let the older hanging just like that, all because hanbin was feeling the pressure with all the survival competition between team a and team b.

 

 

 

_he hates himself._ he wanted to be with yunhyeong since day one. he wanted to make him happy, and he did. he made yunhyeong happy, but it wasn't enough. he knows it.

 

 

 

hanbin is scared with all of his feelings, he wanted to be there for yunhyeong but unable to do so. it was selfish to give someone a slight chance of hope, only breaking that chance at the very end, all because hanbin won't admit to himself that he's  _gay._

 

 

 

and fuck, he knows it was painful for yunhyeong. because he  _fucking_ waited for him. he was there everytime he needs a hand, a shoulder to lean on, a person who will provide love for him. but he was selfish. hanbin didn't reciprocate any of his efforts.

 

 

 

he thought,  _maybe he won't get tired of waiting for me, because he loves me._ but fuck, it didn't stay forever. he got tired, all because he was tired of being hanbin's shield, just another shoulder to lean on. yunhyeong moved on from him, with hanbin stuck in the past with his feelings.

 

 

 

yunhyeong was in love with him, and hanbin was dumb enough to think it wouldn't change. he's dumb enough to let him slip away from him. and he's dumb enough to let yunhyeong fall for chanwoo.

 

 

 

hanbin knows yunhyeong likes the maknae, like,  _a lot._ he knows yunhyeong couldn't be at peace if chanwoo doesn't come out of his room from playing his games, leaving a pre-heated food in the kitchen everyday, even after  _everything_ went to shit.

 

 

 

he knows how yunhyeong smiles during their recording sessions, listening to tiny bits of lines chanwoo has to sing lovingly. hanbin knows he's been unfair with the both of them,  _hating_ on them just because they obviously  _like_ each other.

 

 

 

and hanbin knows, too, how greatly it affected chanwoo after that  _night._ he knows chanwoo likes yunhyeong, and he _was_ brave. he didn't run from it whenever yunhyeong gives him love and affection. he wasn't like  _hanbin._ chanwoo isn't scared of losing because the maknae knows it's a sure win that yunhyeong  _likes_ him, too.

 

 

 

and kim hanbin, of course, could've made things better. he could've knocked some sense to chanwoo, to let him know he's being _oblivious_ and that yunhyeong really likes him. he could've helped the two of them find their ways to each other, so yunhyeong could be happy, finally.

 

 

 

but hanbin has to fuck it all up. all because he was selfish that fucking night. just because he wanted yunhyeong back to his life. 

 

 

 

hanbin really wishes that he didn't fished out all the alcohol that night. it wasn't his plan to get drunk, because hanbin knows when he's drunk, he'll start to blabber shit. and if the guys know he's drunk, they will make him talk and talk and talk.

 

 

 

or worst, drunk-confess his undying love to yunhyeong, which, unfortunately, what happened.

 

 

 

he was in the middle of the dancefloor, with bobby, half-dancing and half-drinking his drink. he could feel the alcohol in his system, but he needed that. after all, it's supposed to be a fun night. so he'll nurse his heart with all the alcohol he could muster.

 

 

 

a second later, it made him regret dancing while drinking. because he could feel his world spinning, faces blurry as he wobbled away from the dancefloor, leaving bobby with some unknown girl.

 

 

 

_i shouldn't have drank a lot,_ hanbin thought, as he stepped out of the bar. he really wishes he's not fucking sad that night, but he was. all because of his pathetic little crush to one of his hyungs.

 

 

 

_kim hanbin, you're a mess,_ he said to himself. he's being selfish again. b.i knows it's really selfish to wish for this, but he wishes yunhyeong to _love_ him again.

 

 

 

to love him again, and not chanwoo. because he's already disadvantaged against the maknae.  _he's in love with him, too... and yunhyeong-hyung loves him too... who am i to break them apart?_

 

 

 

he sighed. he knows it's going to be a long night, and his head is already getting heavier. he wanted to go home. he wanted to be anywhere but here.

 

 

 

because somewhere inside of that bar, there was a yunhyeong, having the time of his life with the one he  _really loves_ the most. and sadly, it isn't hanbin. no, not anymore.

 

 

 

he wanted to be _chanwoo_. he wanted to be loved again. that's why there's been a lot of speculation of bullying between b.i and chanwoo, all because hanbin's insecure about him. chanwoo is a natural charmer, to be honest.

 

 

 

that's why he was always stiff and serious around him. as he treats the younger as an enemy, a co-competitor, _rather_ than a friend or a member. love made him hate the maknae, as if he _stole_  yunhyeong away from him.

 

 

 

but hanbin knows chanwoo  _earned_ it. he isn't a coward. he was there for yunhyeong, at times hanbin didn't even know the older needed someone. he knows how chanwoo was ready to give yunhyeong hugs, something hanbin couldn't give to him because of being afraid his feelings might slip out of him.

 

 

 

and he hates chanwoo, he hates him for his guts. hanbin hates how unaffected the maknae is with all the prying eyes of the netizens or the flashing cameras recording their each move. chanwoo would make an effort to be with yunhyeong, at least. hanbin couldn't even hold yunhyeong, afraid he might be too obvious with his feelings.

 

 

 

but he couldn't blame chanwoo, either. it was his own fault on why he's miserable. it wasn't that hard to fall in love with yunhyeong. everyone likes him, because he's especially charming. that's why most of their group's songs are written about  _him._ but of course, he kept the sexuality opposite from his, afraid of being labeled as  _gay._

 

 

 

hanbin doesn't know if he's gay. or if he isn't. he never experienced love. he was working hard as a trainee during his younger years and love never really fitted to his schedule. but he knows it was love with yunhyeong. it wasn't just infatuation, he's certain that whatever he feels for yunhyeong is love.

 

 

 

his thoughts got interrupted when someone hugged him from behind, making him jump out of his skin. 'yah!'

 

 

 

that someone removed his arms from hanbin's neck, and hanbin turned around to take a look on who just interrupted him from his sentiments. and for the love of god,  _it was yunhyeong._

 

 

 

'binnie! what are you doing out here? let's go inside!' yunhyeong said incoherently, his legs wobbling unsteadily because of the alcohol.

 

 

 

god must be really punishing him, because even at his drunk messiness, hanbin couldn't believe on how _beautiful_ yunhyeong is.

 

 

 

and hanbin could write a thousand songs about how breathtaking yunhyeong is. despite all of the mess his hair has become, the deep redness on his cheeks, and his tired but lovely eyes. he sometimes wonder, _how could yunhyeong stand before him and be beautiful at the same time?_

 

 

 

yunhyeong is the epitome of beauty. in hanbin's mind, song yunhyeong matters the most. he's the moon, and the stars,  _his universe._ yunhyeong is the infinite pool he's afraid to dive in, because he's scared he might not recover from those bright and warm eyes.

 

 

 

he must've been admiring the older for too long that yunhyeong suddenly called him again. 'binnie! yah! stop looking at me as if you're going to kiss me.' he giggled, which, on hanbin's opinion,  _is so fucking cute._

 

 

 

the alcohol had a strong effect on hanbin already, and he would be lying if he said that the alcohol didn't release him from his inhibitions. so it's the fucking alcohol talking when he said 'if i wanted to kiss you, so what?', not shying away from yunhyeong's teasing.

 

 

 

the older just looked at him and laughed. 'i-i wouldn't let it! i'm not that into you anymore, binnie!' he pouted, and hanbin swore, yunhyeong making faces made his stomach turn upside down.

 

 

 

but hearing him said those words made his heart break into pieces.  _he wasn't into me anymore._ yeah, fuck. it stung like hell, but hanbin didn't say anything. instead, he just keep on making jokes to feed his ego. 'but what if? what if i kissed you right now? what would you do, hyung?' he smirked.

 

 

 

hanbin thought he could do it, maybe. maybe he had enough balls that night to finally kiss him. and yunhyeong looking at him ridiculously didn't help at all.

 

 

 

he took a step closer to the older. _it's now or never._ 'what if i have the guts to kiss you?'

 

 

 

yunhyeong looked at him with amusement. 'ha! y- you wouldn't dare! you're not going to kiss—'

 

 

 

he couldn't finish what he was saying because hanbin's lips were already pressed against his, the space between them nonexistent. yunhyeong was shocked, fuck. _it's hanbin, for fuck's sake. hanbin was kissing him! he couldn't believe it!_

 

 

 

 

he could actually taste hanbin's lips against his. and yunhyeong felt very drunk, as if the alcohol he drank doubled inside of his system. he was getting drowsy, as he could feel the younger's hands against his cheeks, guiding them as hanbin deepens their kiss.

 

 

 

  
on the other hand, hanbin was enjoying every second of it. his hands wander on yunhyeong's body, the older's lips tasted like strawberry lipbalm, yunhyeong's flavor. _he's doing it! he's really fucking kissing yunhyeong!_

 

 

 

the taste of his lips against his is overwhelming itself that hanbin could feel he was getting more and more drunk. maybe because of the alcohol, everything felt right for hanbin. the two of them, their lips together, kissing.

 

 

 

yunhyeong's mind was going haywire. he was certainly enjoying this, all because it felt his _what-if_  was not just a  _what-if_ , not anymore. as if it was, finally, a happy ever after.

 

 

 

but it was far from a happy ending. because at the back of his head, he was looking for someone else to take him away from this surprising situation.  _chanwoo..._ yunhyeong wanted to break of the kiss but hanbin was holding onto him, making the kiss more fierce as hanbin tried to open his mouth to enter it with his tongue.

 

 

 

he was looking for the maknae. he wanted to be with chanwoo, not hanbin. his conflicted feelings and the current making out session, made yunhyeong  _hard_. which must've felt by hanbin because their bodies are really fucking close to each other.

 

 

 

yunhyeong was running out of breath so he opened his mouth to breathe properly, but hanbin must have misunderstood his intention, thinking it was an invitation to step the kiss up. the younger's tongue entered his mouth, tracing the insides of his mouth with hanbin's saliva. yunhyeong immediately surrendered, overwhelmed by the sensation.

 

 

 

if hanbin wasn't holding to him, yunhyeong was sure he would fall down the cold pavement. yunhyeong didn't resist or even do anything. he just stood there, letting hanbin suck on his mouth. 

 

 

 

_chanwoo... what... about chanwoo? what the heck am i doing?_ he wanted to push hanbin away. this wasn't his intention, all he wanted was to tease hanbin. and this, this is more than what he bargained for.

 

 

 

he wants chanwoo, instead of hanbin kissing him. not when he's all moved on from b.i, that's where the younger will make a move. yunhyeong wanted to let him know about that, but he couldn't talk at all.

 

 

 

because hanbin's lips were sealing his lips. he couldn't do anything at all, except to think about chanwoo.

 

 

 

yunhyeong must be really in love with chanwoo because he immediately ran from hanbin (he actually didn't run he just wobbled like an injured puppy due to the fact he was drunk) when a group of guys stepped outside the bar.

 

 

 

he quickly went back inside the establishment, leaving a dumbfounded hanbin outside. there was a few people left inside because it's almost two thirty of the morning so it wasn't a problem for yunhyeong to navigate through the crowd.

 

 

 

'yah!' suddenly, someone grabbed his left arm and pulled him inside of what seems like a comfort room. 'why did you left me? i-i thought you'd... you'd like it if...' hanbin started.

 

 

 

yunhyeong stared at him. _after every bullshit he'd put me through, he really thought i'll stay and wait for him?_ the thought made him angry. if there's one thing that makes yunhyeong angry, it's being used against his wishes. and hanbin certainly used him countless times, for his own selfish ways.

 

 

 

'you thought what, hanbin? t-that it's going to be okay to just kiss me like that? _fuck you_! i'm not _your_ toy anymore! stop playing with my feelings!' he hissed to the younger, causing hanbin to step back. it was the first time he has seen him this angry.

 

 

 

_even at this point, he couldn't believe he still find yunhyeong breathtaking._ he wanted to kiss him tight there, but he got a hold of himself. 

 

 

 

'i-you- i didn't—' he was lost in words. the older looked at him with such anger hanbin couldn't place. 'just stop, hanbin-ah... i don't like you that way. we're just friends!'

 

 

 

he was shocked to hear those words from yunhyeong. especially when they just  _made out_ a few minutes ago. and it broke his heart, it felt like he was smacked right into the face. hanbin could feel the tears starting to water his eyes, but he fought back not to cry in front of yunhyeong.

 

 

 

despite the pain he was feeling, hanbin found enough courage to answer him. 'why him, hyung? and not me? just... i...' he gulped. 'i want you back... please...' 

 

 

 

_pathetic, you're so pathetic, kim hanbin. so desperate for love._ he sometimes think he really deserved that. he wasted yunhyeong's feelings, so maybe it was what he deserves. the older didn't say a thing, he just stared at him, his eyes began to soften.

 

 

 

he knows yunhyeong felt bad about what he said. but hanbin knows better that he needed to hear those words, to give him some sort of closure. to stop this craziness. although he was hurt, hanbin couldn't believe he still had the nerve to ask yunhyeong to kiss him.

 

 

 

the older was taken aback, maybe because they just established there's no strings attached left for them to be  _more than friends._ 'please, hyung? one... last time?'

 

 

 

hanbin thought yunhyeong wouldn't agree with him at all. so he was surprised when yunhyeong hesitantly said yes, and he wasted no time to intertwine their lips again.

 

 

 

and things escalated quickly from that point, what was supposed to be  _one last kiss_ became another full make out session between them. instead, this time, yunhyeong was half-cooperating and half-resisting, but hanbin didn't let go.

 

 

 

he knows it would be their last. and he wanted to make it memorable, before he moves on from yunhyeong. 


	7. jinhwan and junhoe's master plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ikon tv episode 1: the main pd is junhoe and him and jinhwan's plan is to make the twin monsters rekindle their relationship, no matter what it takes.

 

_i was really young back then_

_and your heart was too soft_

_i was immature_

_and i twisted your beautiful flower_

**_jerk ;_**   **ikon**

 

 

 

vi.

 

 

 

 

 

it's the real deal, they will be filming ikon tv today. and as much he wanted the screen time, yunhyeong can't keep himself from getting worked up and nervous. he feels like he's going to vomit everything he ate this morning.

 

 

 

aside from ikon tv, yunhyeong's nervous for one more thing:  _jung chanwoo._ ikon tv, cameras, and staff everywhere mean the two of them acting like they're cool. as if nothing's wrong between them.  _as if the maknae isn't giving him the cold shoulder at all._

 

 

 

and that's their reality now. they're only friends and close to each other whenever the cameras are focused on them. but they will jerk away from each other a second the camera focuses on other members. remembering the cold, harsh truth makes yunhyeong quiver. 

 

 

 

he wanted to go back. he wanted the things the way they were. he wanted to wake up next to chanwoo. he wanted to be with chanwoo, every single time of his life. and he misses him, but he knows he doesn't have the right to do so.

 

 

 

he wishes to spend time with him, just like the old times. and yunhyeong barely sees him, even though they literally live right next to each other. no one bothers him to cook, no one bothers him just because he's cleaning again. no one bothers to drag him to play video games, no one. no one bothers him,  _anymore._

 

 

 

yunhyeong is hoping chanwoo's missing him the way he misses the maknae. and his wish might come true because of one koo junhoe.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

 

junhoe knows something's up even before jinhwan told him about the twin monsters. it's not that hard to notice the sudden awkwardness between them, the way chanwoo shuts himself out from yunhyeong, and the way yunhyeong smiles less and less from his usual vibrant personality.

 

 

 

it was painful to watch them like that, of course. junhoe knows them all for a really long time, especially yunhyeong. they're there for each other when things go rough for their group. they've seen each other in their worsts and their bests and junhoe isn't a heartless person. he wanted yunhyeong to be happy, because he loves him as a friend.

 

 

 

he wanted the both of them to be happy. and he's sure that the two terribly misses each other. whenever chanwoo rants about the downstairs dorm being messy (as usual), junhoe knows chanwoo remembers yunhyeong, and yearns for him secretly. and also, whenever yunhyeong asks if anyone wants to help him to cook, he looks for the younger, longing for the maknae.

 

 

 

and it's okay for him. it doesn't matter if the two of them are in love with each other. it doesn't matter if they're gay. junhoe's never the judging type. he's more of an understanding person, lowkey. it doesn't matter to him whether the twin monsters wanted to date each other, why the heck should junhoe prevent them from doing just that?

 

 

 

but it hurts to see them like that, to act like they don't obviously miss each other. like they never look for each other covertly, whenever one of them is missing. and junhoe's going to make sure to bring them close together.

 

 

  
call him cupid or whatever, but junhoe knows what he's doing is right. he can't take the "post-breakup" between the two, to be honest. that's why he opted to choose bring them close together rather than the cancellation of their yg contracts.

 

 

 

he remembers the day before they start filming ikon tv. jinhwan called a meeting at the downstairs dorm, but forbidding them to call or say anything about it on the guys who live upstairs.

 

 

  
'kim jinhwan, what's this?' junhoe, sassy as ever, asked the oldest. donghyuk and bobby took a seat in the sofa, with the four of them gathered in the living room.

 

 

 

jinhwan sat next to him, before donghyuk and bobby. 'yah, you guys sure you didn't tell hanbin, chanwoo or yunhyeong about this?'

 

 

 

donghyuk exaggeratedly nodded his head. 'yeah, yeah, yeah! just tell us what's this all about!' jinhwan could feel the eagerness on donghyuk's voice so he started talking direct to his point.

 

 

  
'don't you guys notice about how awkward yunhyeong and chanwoo's been acting lately?' he told the three younger guys, noticing the sudden smile forming in bobby's lips. 'bobby-yah? any thoughts?'

 

 

 

donghyuk must've had no idea because he slowly shook his head, but junhoe knows about it. he is a keen observer, and he can feel what yunhyeong feels about the whole situation. but he kept himself from talking to hear what bobby has to say.

 

 

 

the group's second rapper quickly snapped his fingers repeatedly. 'yeah! i knew it! i was right about it!' he laughed, as if he unsolved some kind of a mystery.

 

 

 

'i'm all ears,' jinhwan eagerly said, not even hiding the excitement in his voice. three different pairs of different eyes look at bobby with such emotion.

 

 

 

'well,' bobby stood up, looking at all of them. 'a few weeks ago, i went to upstairs dorm to ask chanwoo to play overwatch with me. it's been so long since we've had a day-off and it's been so long too since we've played it together so he said yes.'

 

 

 

'i insisted to play the game at the living room, and chanwoo was hesitant at first, which, i found weird because hanbinnie's not around. it's only him and yunhyeong and yunhyeong's in the kitchen cooking something i don't know,' bobby paused, thinking about the words he's going to say.

 

 

 

'i even asked yunhyeong to cook some snacks for the three of us, and i noticed his sad smile. i really thought it was nothing, by the way. i thought he didn't really want to cook.'

 

 

 

'then, when we finished setting up the game, i asked chanu to help yunhyeong carry the food from the kitchen. but he was like 'hyung~ how about you do it' and when i said he do it his ears were red and i didn't understand why.' he continued, as he watches the three nodding. 

 

 

 

'when they set up the food, it was awkward, man. they didn't even touch each other, as if they're scared to feel each other's skin. i sat there watching the two of them being awkward as hell.' bobby's eyes was open wide, as if he's telling a great story. 'when yunhyeong left, i i asked chanwoo about it. but he said it's nothing, he just said they're getting tired to see each other all the time so i let it pass. but now that you've mentioned it, i can confirm they're fighting.'

 

 

 

bobby took a seat again, while kim jinhwan tried to understand bobby's eyewitness account. now, he's sure yunhyeong and chanwoo's having a fight, and something's definitely up between them. 'i think it's serious this time, though. it's the first time i've seen them fight like this.' donghyuk suddenly said, interrupted their thoughts.

 

 

 

while the three of them were thinking, koo junhoe couldn't stop himself from feeling discomfort. junhoe knew about the awkwardness between the two before jinhwan even knew about it, so it was natural for him to feel quite responsible for not telling the eldest sooner.

 

 

 

junhoe started to notice everything during their ikon picnic shoot in jeju island. they will be traveling or having a  _work vacation_ to meet and befriend japanese girls. for junhoe, there won't be a problem because he's fluent in speaking japanese, just like jinhwan.

 

 

 

some of the members aren't that fluent in japanese, they just know some basic words because most of their songs are translated into japanese, like yunhyeong and chanwoo. so as a kind mathyung, jinhwan appointed him to teach the two some more japanese (although b.i needs it too, they just decided it will be easy to teach two of them rather than hanbin).

 

 

 

and it was set, all they have to do was to listen with every words the two were teaching. but shit happens when you least expect them to happen, and jinhwan getting the flu is one of them. so junhoe had no other choice but to teach the two alone.

 

 

 

and it didn't excite junhoe. being left alone with the twin monsters weren't his ideal quiet day-off, but he will still try his best to teach the two as per jinhwan's request. but junhoe didn't expect them to be awkward.

 

 

 

he actually expected that the two wouldn't stop bickering, because the twin monsters used to bicker non-stop, that's why junhoe was hesitant to teach them at first. but he was surprised to see the two of them actually not talking to each other.

 

 

 

'woah, i didn't know you could actually shut up!' junhoe laughed as he teased yunhyeong. yunhyeong just laughed, but junhoe could feel it wasn't genuine. 'i thought you're going to teach us, june-yah?'

 

 

 

since he could read yunhyeong's face, and he knew the older was uncomfortable with the topic, junhoe decided it's best to teach them right away. he found it really weird that the two are sitting a meter from each other, and they didn't even talk to each other while junhoe teach them with some words.

 

 

 

he could feel the awkward atmosphere, as junhoe's too familiar with it. except the kind of awkwardness the two has was both dreadful and awful. junhoe, also, wasn't a fan of talking a lot, so he figured it would be best if they end it earlier than they planned.

 

 

 

the maknae immediately agreed, not even hiding he'd rather be anywhere but there, while yunhyeong hesitantly agreed after chanwoo decided. junhoe thought it was just something the two needed to work by themselves, so he didn't say anything about it.

 

 

 

when they began filming ikon picnic, that's when junhoe noticed how chanwoo preferred to go anywhere with jinhwan, rather than yunhyeong, his usual partner-in-crime. also, he noticed how reserved yunhyeong has become, isolating himself from the group and from everyone. he was avoiding conversations with everyone, and the guys must've thought he was in a sour mood but junhoe didn't buy it.

 

 

  
he knows better.

 

 

 

when they formally meet the japanese girls, junhoe can't keep his eyes off from the two. they've kept their safe distance from each other, junhoe observed. he wanted to ask them about it, or jinhwan but he thought it wasn't the right time.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

when yunhyeong went down to the shore with kaho, his partner for the day, junhoe was watching chanwoo closely. he knows jung chanwoo has this pathetic little crush with the older, and the older likes him back. he knew about it a long time ago, but he didn't tell anyone. _it's their own magical story, not mine. let them figure it by themselves._

 

 

 

he respects the two of them, and junhoe was quite envious with how they love each other. it was kinda cute. so he was wondering what would be chanwoo's reaction with yunhyeong spending time with a girl. and chanwoo didn't fail him, as he gave junhoe what he was expecting: sadness, the longing present in his eyes. as if he was ready to run towards yunhyeong and kiss him all over his face.

 

 

 

and junhoe also saw how the maknae tried to restrain himself from doing it. he could read the younger's expression, how he badly misses yunhyeong. and at the moment, he knows that something's up between the two.

 

 

 

when the evening came, he was restless. junhoe was eager to corner the two of them and make them talk, but he stopped himself. he thought he was being insensitive, as he could feel that something between the twin monsters was just something between them. if it wasn't that a very private matter, then they should've shared it with the other guys.

 

 

 

he understood that it wasn't his place to talk about it, so junhoe waited until another member discovers that something's up.

 

 

 

it was jinhwan. he was thankful it was jinhwan, because he is junhoe's go-to person. he tells the eldest his thoughts, just like how chanwoo shared his own with yunhyeong. 

 

 

 

after jinhwan adjourned their meeting, the younger rushed into the mathyung's room, not minding the puzzling look on bobby's face. one advantage of being awkward with someone is they don't question your actions, junhoe thought.

 

 

 

though, they were awkward, junhoe is sure they wouldn't turn out like yunhyeong and chanwoo. mainly because they aren't that close, while the twin monsters were inseparable. junhoe finds bobby awkward, but no one is sure why.

 

 

 

junhoe got his thoughts interrupted when suddenly, the 13 cm fairy barges in the room. 'yah, juneya, what are you doing here?' the latter asked, sitting comfortably in his own bed. jinhwan, as most of people know, is fairly short. that's why it appears like he has a huge bed when in reality, it's built for junhoe's size.

 

 

 

that's why it's really stuffy with the two of them in the bed and they are forced to cuddle whenever they talk while lying there, his body against the older. and the feeling with the mathyung is _comfortable_ , junhoe admits. _it felt like home,_ and call it coping mechanism or what, but junhoe could only put his soul into rest whenever he's with kim jinhwan.

 

 

 

'i just want to talk about something.' he said, as the older notions him to sit, or lay with him in the bed. junhoe doesn't need to be told twice, as he slowly find his way towards the older. when his arms wrapped around jinhwan's waist, junhoe could only think about how snug it felt, as if they are two different puzzle pieces that united as one.

 

 

 

'what? what's the matter?' the older asked.

 

 

 

junhoe swears he _loves_ the mathyung's smell, maybe a little too much that he tickles him using his nose, inhaling jinhwan's smell. jinhwan softly jerks away, waiting for an answer. the younger determines now's not the time for cuddles.

 

 

 

he was hesitant to talk, but junhoe knows the mathyung will be waiting until he talks. he sighed, 'yeah, about the monster twins...'

 

 

 

jinhwan's eyes shifted from somewhat between tired and sleepy to excited and alert, junhoe knows his assumptions are true, and it will put jinhwan to rest. thus, he didn't try to hide anything he saw, telling jinhwan everything.

 

 

 

all throughout his story, junhoe could tell jinhwan listens to every word he says, and he can't help but admire how beautiful his eyes are. he really is called a _sexy fairy_ for a reason, the younger thought. he could tell jinan is giving him the eyes, and it made his heart flutter.

 

 

 

junhoe told him everything, and all jinhwan did was seat there and listen. but the second-youngest could feel his heart burning, raging like fire, and all jinhwan ever had to do was look at him with those sinful, pretty eyes. '... so, that's all i know.' junhoe decided to wrap up his story because he could feel the redness of his cheeks.

 

 

 

jinhwan, however, is in a deep thought. he thinks about what should he do, now that he could confirm there's something up and what he could do to resolve it. 'so you're telling me... you already knew about this and didn't even tell me about it?' he asks junhoe, the younger can't place the older's thoughts but his voice doesn't sound exactly stern.

 

 

 

still, the second youngest tries to measure his words, maybe because he was anxious jinhwan would rub it the wrong way when he didn't say it to him earlier.

 

 

 

on the other hand, jinhwan isn't exactly mad, but he feels somewhat betrayed. why doesn't he tell me about it earlier? doesn't he trust me anymore? the eldest knows he's being paranoid, but he can't help thinking how the second-youngest hesitated to tell him about anything.

 

 

 

and junhoe knows him too well, he knows how intrusive thoughts attack the mathyung helplessly and he wanted to reassure jinhwan. 'yah, hyung... don't think like that. you're the least person i hate in this group, don't forget that...' he laughed at his own witty comment, but he quickly suppressed his laugh to pull the older closer.

 

 

 

he sighed, as he could feel jinhwan's heavy breathing. 'i'm sorry for not telling you when i first knew about it... it's just that, i thought it's not my business to meddle... i'm sorry, jinani...'

 

 

 

junhoe knows it's the older's weakness, to be called jinani, especially when it's him. and he could tell the older's relaxing as he breathes normally again.

 

 

 

'you're an idiot, you know that?' after a long period of silence with the two of them cuddled together, jinhwan finally speaks up. 'you could have told me, no pressure.'

 

 

 

he looked at him in the eyes. 'i know, hyung. i'm just really torn in between of _telling_ and _not_ telling you, because i respected their privacy. i'm sorry, okay?' he says sincerely.

 

 

 

the older doesn't say anything, instead he pulls him closer, feeling junhoe's warmth. 'then... what made you change your mind?'

 

 

 

he smiles genuinely. 'because... i think we could actually do something with them.' by the look on his face, jinhwan believes the second maknae has a great idea.

 

 

 

'what?' he eagerly asks, not minding the fact that he squeals like an eight year-old.

 

 

 

junhoe laughs at his reaction, his eyes forming a smile. 'well, i need your help first,' he says to the eldest, which jinhwan happily nods. 'i think we can use ikon tv to our own advantage.'

 

 

 

junhoe smirks, and jinhwan, even though the younger just said a simple pre-plan, really believes it will have a good outcome. so he doesn't hesitate to say yes. 'of course! i could use my connections so we could make this plan of yours—'

 

 

  
'ours.' the younger interrupts, and it made jinhwan blush profusely. fortunately, it's night time and jinhwan doesn't need to hide his blushing face from him. he rolled his eyes to show his defeat. '—this plan of _ours_ , as you say, work. but what is the plan, exactly?'

 

 

 

his smile grew wider, as he cuddles the eldest, pulling him closer until he could actually inhale jinhwan's sweet scent. 'you'll find out soon.'

 

 

 

and with just that, the two finally went to sleep, clinging to each other as if it's their last night. no sound, no love, but it was comfortable. the two of them comfortable with each other's warmth and embrace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! i feel sad bc i couldn't rush this chapter enough to release it together by the end of ikon tv but it's ok!!! x it feels kinda rush but i enjoyed writing junhoe's perspective lmaooo what if i write everything on junhoe's pov lol xx plz support their new show ((heart racing xx)) and their upcoming songs xx luv
> 
> p.s. sorry 4 not updating these past few weeks lol x i am trying to write whenever i can but it's hard especially when im losing my motivation and im pretty busy xx


	8. aftermath of the one night stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> darkness looming over his head, yunhyeong knows it's time to let go of everything. his everything, chanwoo, included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi x im really sorry for the long inactivity coz i was really busy with my studies and stuff lmaooo im still not done writing the ep 1 for ikon tv fuck xx 
> 
> lol trigger warning this chapter is really hard to finish especially im also sad w my own problems but i kinda hope u won't be triggered at all xx

 

_even after countless times_

_there’s a face i always miss_

_even this momentary loneliness_

_is a gift you left behind_

**_everything ;_  ikon**

 

 

 

vii.

 

 

 

 

it's never easy for chanwoo, either. it hurts him, too, and he wanted to kill himself for being a jerk. he thought he was doing the right thing, but the right didn't feel right at all. he feels he was punishing himself.

 

 

 

 _punishing himself for what?_ he doesn't even know why would he continue to inflict pain upon yunhyeong and himself. and it certainly takes it toll on him, as he feels miserable ever since that day.

 

 

 

and yunhyeong crying every night certainly doesn't help his situation, too. chanwoo knows his hyung's been crying all because of him, but he couldn't do anything. he wants to be there for yunhyeong, and fuck it, he misses him. the maknae wishes none of this happened. whenever he hears him cry, he dies a little bit inside.

 

 

 

he just wanted everything to be back the way it was. he misses yunhyeong, dearly. he misses his hyung, his playful eyes, his everything. and he's his everything, that's why it kills him a little whenever they had to film something because he knows none of that was real.

 

 

 

things aren't okay, it was never okay. they're not okay, and he knows he's the one that fucked it all up. all because of his selfishness and lust, all of this shit-show has happened. chanwoo messed it all up, and he wonders everytime if the sex was worth it.

 

 

 

 _certainly it is._ chanwoo was drunk, and impulsive. but he remembers how soft yunhyeong's skin felt against his own, their lips intertwined, parted, and intertwined, all over again. he remembers exactly how good the intimacy felt between him and his hyung. 

 

 

 

 _the sex was fucking amazing, but was it worth it?_ no, of course. chanwoo's horny as fuck but he  _likes_ yunhyeong way  _more_ than that. and after that so-called one night stand, he felt something with him changed.

 

 

 

and god, he still remembers how it felt good  _inside_ him. chanwoo clearly remembers what happened, but yunhyeong seems to not recall anything. or maybe he really  _thinks_ it was hanbin,  _not him._ chanwoo did what he did out of love, but he doesn't know whether he did the right thing.

 

 

 

of course, everytime he remembers that night, it makes him horny and jerking off to that distant memory makes it go away. but after that, chanwoo can't help but feel guilt and disappointment with his life. _i used yunhyeong-hyung, and i fucked it all up._

 

 

 

chanwoo wanted to spill the truth to yunhyeong, because he deserves the truth. it hurts him how yunhyeong looks to hanbin, as the maknae sometimes catches the older staring to their leader, just because he believes that it was hanbin who made him feel good.

 

 

 

and the bigger picture was it wasn't a consented experience, because both of them were drunk that night, especially yunhyeong. and chanwoo should've stopped it because he still knew what he was doing as he was still rational at that time. he was supposed to stop whatever that was happening, but he let it happen and now, both of them are suffering for that one night stand.

 

 

 

he feels he really made a bad decision by thinking using his dick and not his mind. and he also blames the fucking alcohol for messing his sound mind, for selfishly thinking that it was okay to have sex with yunhyeong, who was really drunk.

 

 

 

chanwoo feels he used yunhyeong's susceptibility for his own good, and he knows he's making it worse by not telling him about what really happened. maybe the maknae did a very great job at hiding and cleaning the mess they made.

 

 

 

chanwoo knows he's guilty of putting all the blame on hanbin, but he also knows he's doing him a huge  _favor_ because it's actually him yunhyeong likes,  _not_ the maknae. and it's  _perfectly fine_ for chanwoo, because he knows he can't change his hyung's mind, he can't dictate yunhyeong of who's he's going to like. 

 

 

 

 he stood up from his seat, as his computer shuts down. chanwoo doesn't have the energy to play his games, and he's been like this lately whenever he thinks of yunhyeong. 

 

 

 

 _yunhyeong._ just a casual nod to his hyung's name caused a stir on chanwoo's member. the maknae wonders if he's being obsessed, because it's literally  _a long time ago_ but his body can't help but find yunhyeong's touch, his lips, his hands, his ecstatic smell, his  _everything._

 

 

 

chanwoo feels tired of all the thinking and decided to just ignore his throbbing erection, as his mind wanders what  _really_ happened after that faithful night.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

it was a fucked up night, and most of the members are dead tired after a night of heavy drinking and partying. but mostly for chanwoo, he was dead tired of all that fucking vodka he drank last morning to nurse his broken heart.

 

 

 

he wanted to cover himself with his blankets, and he was asking himself of why is he naked at this time and day as his roommate might see him butt naked. 

 

 

 

he tried to pull the blankets from another person  _sleeping_ with him in the bed but he quickly halted what he was about to do when he felt an arm wrapped his waist.  _what the actual fuck? who's drunk ass is sleeping in my bed?_

 

 

 

he was ready to fight, especially now that one of his shitfaced hyungs are sleeping with him in his bed, and chanwoo was fucking naked. he quickly turned around, not minding his throbbing headache and was about to scream at that person.

 

 

 

 _what the fuck?!_ not a single sound came out from his mouth, as jung chanwoo was staring at yunhyeong's obviously drunk yet still as attractive face.  _why is yunhyeong-hyung in my bed?_

 

 

 

chanwoo just stared on him, as if remembering every inch of his beautiful face. he couldn't believe that yunhyeong was  _this_ breathtaking, even though they literally live with each other for years. he looked at the older with such warmth that yunhyeong radiated in his brown eyes.

 

 

 

he was about to properly arrange the blankets on yunhyeong when the realization suddenly hit him.  _yunhyeong-hyung is naked._ at first, chanwoo was puzzled of why would yunhyeong be naked, and then he quickly realized that they were  _both_ naked in the same bed.

 

 

 

 _oh my fucking god, i slept with yunhyeong-hyung._ he quickly rose from his position as he examines the situation; he slowly pierced everything he did last night despite of his major hungover. their clothes were scattered all over the floor, there's a shit ton of  _love marks_ strewed in chanwoo's chest, neck, and all over his body, and most of all, they're both  _naked._

 

 

 

it's highly unlikely that nothing had happened between the two, and chanwoo suddenly felt an ache in his heart, as he stood up from his bed. yunhyeong, however, was still in deep slumber and the maknae thank god because if the older was up before him, chanwoo wouldn't dare to imagine what will happen.

 

 

he quickly took a bathrobe from one of his belongings, taking  _his_ and  _yunhyeong's_ clothes last night as chanwoo went out of their room. he hastily looked out for any signs of any members already starting their day and fortunately, he saw everything was untouched just like how he left them. he quickly went inside to the bathroom, dumping the clothes to the laundry basket. 

 

 

 

the maknae tried to remember everything that happened last night, and his mind was cruel enough to make him recall  _everything._

 

 

 

heartbreak. drinking himself sick. confrontation between him and yunhyeong. unplanned make out. things escalated quickly as the two had sex. as he processed all the shit that has happened last night, chanwoo wanted to scream.

 

 

 

 _holy fuck, what did i do? hyung and i had sex?_ maybe because of his hungover, the memory registered to his mind as something erotic as his member erected visibly on his bathrobe. chanwoo wanted to stab himself because he's literally panicking but his dick was still in need of attention.

 

 

 

'fuck! not now!' he cursed himself as he washed his face using the tap water. he was panicking, as he needed a way out of this mess.  _shit! what the heck did you do, chanwoo?_ he wanted to cry right there because of his foolishness, as he was stupid enough to get drunk last night.

 

 

 

he was dizzy with all the thinking so he just stared at his reflection, trying to grasp the reality. chanwoo was indeed going crazy. ' _hyung and i had sex last night... and i... i...'_ he couldn't even continue what he was about to say, as he felt his lips quaver.

 

 

 

he wouldn't admit it, but chanwoo knew he  _fucked up._ he knew he shouldn't have had sex with yunhyeong, especially when it felt chanwoo  _forced_ his way into the older's pants. the maknae felt he actually  _forced himself_ to yunhyeong.

 

 

 

because yunhyeong was drunk, and so was he, but _for the record_ chanwoo knew what he was doing. on the other hand, he wasn't sure if the older had any idea it was actually the maknae he had slept with, _not_ b.i. 

 

 

 

chanwoo needed a way out of this mess, and he decided it would be best to avoid a confrontation between him and the second eldest as much as possible. the maknae decided to clean his fucking mess, and any evidence that will incriminate him had to be cleaned.

 

 

 

first, he made sure yunhyeong is wearing his clothes from last night. it wasn't particularly easy because yunhyeong is  _beautiful_ , and naked in front of chanwoo. now, the younger knew the second eldest still has an effect on him, his erection pointing that out. and chanwoo really  _tried_ not to do anything to him, because he wouldn't do something yunhyeong would be uncomfortable of. 

 

 

 

he also threw the condom he used that night, and  _holy fuck,_ the sight of it alone made chanwoo _hard_ again. he tried to stop himself from thinking anything that happened last night, because he felt really shitty about it.

 

 

 

come to think of it, chanwoo coerced himself to yunhyeong, because he was bold enough due to the alcohol he drank. the younger couldn't believe himself, he really thought he's one of those guys who  _thinks_ with their heads, not their  _dicks._

 

 

 

and he couldn't believe he had the nerve to break yunhyeong like this. chanwoo knew he likes yunhyeong dearly, but he was selfish to think  _what happened_ that night was  _okay._ it was never okay, because yunhyeong was clearly drunk. chanwoo couldn't forgive himself that he used the older's drunk state to his own agenda.

 

 

 

 _i used yunhyeong-hyung... how can i say i like him when i did this to him?_ chanwoo stared at his hyung's peaceful face, not any sign of discomfort can be seen from his face. the maknae was torn apart for his own actions. he _broke_ yunhyeong, and he  _wasn't_ into him. 

 

 

 

'maybe i never liked him... maybe i... i just wanted to get into yunhyeong's pants...' he mumbled to himself, as tears started to fall. chanwoo  _is_ a hurricane, a devastatingly beautiful one, as he thought he could possibly like— or even love, yunhyeong.

 

 

 

he  _is_ a hurricane, because chanwoo knows it wasn't his place to be  _with_ yunhyeong, it's for  _hanbin._ he is a hurricane, because he destroyed yunhyeong's chance to be happy  _with_ the man  _he loves._ he held the second eldest's hands carefully, not wanting him to wake up, for the _last time_.

 

 

 

'i'm sorry, hyung... i'm selfish for you...' he tried to contain his sobs, chanwoo couldn't believe he was _letting go_ of yunhyeong that day. 'i... i want you to be happy... to be happy with hanbin-hyung... i'm sorry...'

 

 

 

he was an asshole.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

they moved out, and yunhyeong seems to not have a clue that it was actually chanwoo he slept with. it was obvious, for christ's sake, as he stares lovingly to hanbin and taking care of the group's leader with such tenderness. _maybe because yunhyeong believes there might be a chance for him and hanbin to be together after that night._

 

 

 

chanwoo wanted to feel him  _more._ he wanted to be with yunhyeong, but it seems that  _yunhyeong wasn't for him._ he watches as hanbin and yunhyeong grew more closer together, and chanwoo watched as the  _twin monsters_ crumbled into pieces, too.

 

 

 

he misses yunhyeong. but after that night, it seems like chanwoo had lost the right to even look at yunhyeong's eyes. 'hyung, why are you so beautiful? why can't you be mine?' 

 

 

 

it was a rest day, and chanwoo, as the sad boy he is, just stalks yunhyeong's instagram account. the maknae grew a new hobby: to be yunhyeong's secret stalker.  _i'm still allowed to support him from afar, right?_

 

 

 

he couldn't believe yunhyeong's  _extremely_ narcissistic with his face, but chanwoo's not complaining.  _he is fucking beautiful, for god's sake._ he couldn't even help but wonder how it was remotely possible for someone to be this  _breathtaking._ that's only yunhyeong who could make him think of cheesy words.

 

 

 

chanwoo also notices how yunhyeong still tries to talk to him, and he just brushes him off. chanwoo thinks he doesn't deserve anything yunhyeong does for him, like cooking or anything. of course, he could only be cold towards yunhyeong whenever they're not in front of cameras. 

 

 

 

it must be an unspoken rule between the two of them to be still friendly and touchy with each other everytime they're recording promos or vlogs for their promotions. but if you could ask chanwoo, he will definitely say he wants to come back to the past, where everything wasn't as complicated as it is now.

 

 

 

he misses yunhyeong. 

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

there's been a lot of stuff to record for the teasers for ikon tv, so there's no time for chanwoo and yunhyeong to talk privately. all of them are getting their own makeup done and changing to their costumes while waiting for the celeb five noonas.

 

 

  
_yah, yunhyeong, get yourself together. just be calm and try to avoid being awkward around him._ the older is busy with his thoughts that he didn't realize that hanbin was already sitting next to him. 'hyung, are you okay?'

 

 

 

'huh?' he stammered. 'uhm, yeah. i'm good... are you already finished with your makeup?' he asked the younger, as he mentally facepalm-ed himself. _great, as if the markings on his face isn't enough._ hanbin must've felt his nervousness as he held yunhyeong's arms, shaking him a little bit. 'hyung, wake up, okay? you seem disoriented.'

 

 

 

he laughed it off, shrugging his shoulders. 'i guess i'm just tired with all of the filming.' he gave b.i a weak smile, hoping it would pursuade the group's leader to go pester other members because really, yunhyeong wants to be alone with his thoughts.

 

 

 

hanbin must've sensed that he's in no mood for talking when he stood up from his seat. 'i'm just gonna check jinan, make sure he's done fixing his hair.' he beamed at him, putting his hand to yunhyeong's shoulder.

 

 

 

the second eldest wanted him to stay, because hanbin provides warmth even though all he did was touch him. his touch provides such comfort that yunhyeong is afraid that he might plunge back into the darkness once hanbin left.

 

 

 

'no, please, stay. stay with me.' yunhyeong is begging for b.i to stay, but he isn't strong enough to be selfish that way. instead, he just nodded as the younger left and navigates his way towards jinhwan, leaving the second eldest all alone.

 

 

 

 _alone. all alone. you're all alone, yunhyeong._ the second eldest feels the looming sadness that was eating his soul these past few months. he doesn't know if it started earlier but yunhyeong is sure it happened  _after_ chanwoo and him stopped talking.

 

 

 

 

 

but he's certain that chanwoo serves as his light, _his light_ that brightened his wellbeing, helped him come to terms about his own sexuality. and yunhyeong has never felt alone in the world, he felt that he was undeserving of all the happiness.

 

 

 

it is certainly hard for him to keep his positive façade, as he felt he's getting lonelier and lonelier, _his light_ already vanished.

 

 

 

 

 

jung chanwoo is many ways that yunhyeong hopes he's destined to be with, and he actually believed there might've been a chance for them to end up together. but seeing and waking up to their harsh reality, the cold shoulder and his sadness looming over his spirit, yunhyeong knows it's time.

 

 

 

 

 

_all alone, you're all alone, yunhyeong. you don't deserve to be with chanwoo._ the second eldest has been thinking about it lately, whether to let his feelings for the maknae to  _bloom_ even more, or let all of this  _wither_ away.

 

 

 

he is sure that everything would be okay at the end. once he let his feelings be ignored by his own dreams, it wouldn't matter much for yunhyeong, because this is iKON's dream. yunhyeong was _never_ selfish enough to put all of their efforts and hardships into jeopardy just because of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

either way, yunhyeong knows he's going to be the loser at the end. he knows what he's doing would only get himself broken, but he's ready. he knows it will hurt, but it's _okay._ he'll endure, just like what he had endured for hanbin.

 

 

 

yunhyeong is never selfish, in fact, he's almost too  _selfless_ for everyone he loves. he never lets his feelings be in the way whenever there are other people that are bound to get hurt because of his. 

 

 

 

_i could never be that selfish._ he'd rather keep it all for the sake of keeping ikon together. yunhyeong is certainly the most emotionally scarred member among them, always keeping his members before him, always watching out for them instead of himself.


	9. when this rebellious heart shall beat no more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yunhyeong has made up his mind and junhoe's afraid that their plan might be too late for their dear anchovy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the full angst i've been writing these past few months, but i couldn't get to the parts where i wanted them to finally reconcile.
> 
> lol it's kinda hard to write happy shit when im literally depressed and fucking exhausted xx. sorry for the inactivity, lmfao im trying to write but i am always busy w my studies and problems so i'm trying hard to write as much as possible x
> 
> my fav character to write is literally junhoe bc his one-liners and deadpan humor is similar to mine xx
> 
>  
> 
> tw: suicidal thoughts, mental illness discussions, self-harm, etc. it's hard to deal with these issues, i know, but we all needed to know other sides of this story x
> 
> p.s it was my birthday on 4th and i was planning to post this but i didn't coz i felt it was somewhat lacking some certain scenes but anyway, wont u gimme sum comments or even criticisms as a belated birthday gift?

 

_it’s killing me, once again_

_your traces remain_

_and they torture me_

_it’s killing me_

**_killing me ;_  ikon**

 

viii.

 

 

 

 

yunhyeong hates it. he hates every single emotion he currently feels right now, as he stares into nothingness for the nth time today. he's definitely feeling alone, and the members having their own shit to handle isn't helping his situation.

 

 

  
he wants to scream. he wants to call for their attention, to say what he feels. yunhyeong wants to call for help, because he feels like drowning in a bottomless ocean, with the members describing the water rather than helping him. he feels all alone, with no one there to help him.

 

 

  
he feels isolated, trapped inside of a cage he built on his own. yunhyeong feels he's been drowning endlessly in a briny of his sorrows and remorse, as if all of the tears he's been trying to hold back for a really long time now tries to whelm him under.

 

 

  
these past few months, yunhyeong wonders what exactly would they feel if he suddenly run away? or even worse, if he suddenly takes his own life, free from all of the heartbreaks and pain he's currently dealing with?

 

 

  
_would they even mourn for me? would they even cry for me? would they be there, even though i'm not as important as everyone else in this team?_ yunhyeong has been dealing with these suicidal thoughts and other signs of depression, but rather on sharing about it, he shuts himself out from the group.

 

 

 

he just let it all fall behind his smiling façade. he disguises it all behind his smiling demeanor, while his spirit is tormented by his own silent cries for help.

 

 

 

he is always gloomy and feels extremely negative, and he always cries himself to sleep. if that's bad enough, when he's tired of crying or none of his tears would budge into falling, he's just going to stair into nothingness, up until the morning. he feels he's been downgraded into a person with only despair to feel for all the shit he's dealing with.

 

 

 

he doesn't even go shopping with anyone, and he barely sees any of the members, too, especially when one of his housemates is always busy for their music production while the other ignores him and acts like yunhyeong doesn't even exist in his world. chanwoo feels like a memory more than a person to him now, considering it's been full three months since he _ever_ saw those pair of big brown eyes, even though they literally live a bedroom apart.

 

 

  
okay, exaggerated as it sounds, but it's the truth. chanwoo never comes out of his room except whenever ikon had a schedule for practice or vocal coaching or whatever. but besides that, none. nothing can make the maknae leave his room, not even his _favorite_ food cooked by _his_ yunhyeong-hyung.

 

 

  
but whenever bobby or jinhwan stops by their place to play with the maknae, chanwoo acts like everything's fine. like everything is fine with all of them, even though none of the three guys who live in that dorm are on speaking terms. chanwoo will laugh, shout, or react to whatever the hell they are playing, and yunhyeong realized that he fucking miss him. _so much._

 

 

 

maybe, chanwoo has moved on with gleeful abandon, unaware that he might've hurt the older's feelings. _it's not like we've confessed to each other about our feelings,_ yunhyeong bitterly thought, as he steals a few glances to the maknae a few times while he's busy pressing the buttons of his controller. chanwoo must've did something cool because he literally starts to drop a lot of curse words to an imaginary foe, grinning widely at bobby.

 

 

  
yunhyeong, as always, still finds him cute, and masculine and heartwarming. _pathetic._ his feelings for him still haven't changed, not even a little bit.

 

 

  
sometimes, yunhyeong considers the option of moving on, because of how much it kills him. it's killing him, _figuratively and literally,_ evident on his sudden weight loss these past few weeks. yunhyeong has no other members to cook for except the downstairs guys who occasionally ask for it, but other than them, he doesn't have anyone.

 

 

  
he doesn't even have b.i because the latter is busy with all the producing and writing songs that he only goes home just to sleep and take a shower. yunhyeong has been trying his best to feed hanbin some healthy food but the younger is very stubborn that in the end, he almost always lets him be. 

 

 

 

and hanbin leaves and comes back in the morning, to be honest. the second eldest is not even awake whenever he goes home, and whenever he leaves, yunhyeong couldn't stop thinking about him. he always worries about hanbin, wondering if he's been eating and what stuff he's going through. he knows hanbin's getting piled up again with all of the stress and shit he's going through, that's why it also doesn't help yunhyeong's situation, either.

 

 

  
maybe because of his growing anxiety and frequent depressing thoughts, yunhyeong starts to lose his weight, appearing skinnier than he usually is. he, too, starts to notice these changes, him being narcissist and all. even most of his clothes that are too small for his built before feel big and large around his body.

 

 

 

he doesn't eat that much, mostly just porridge or any instant food, anything easy to make and eat. he also sleeps a lot like a sloth, and whenever he tries to eat something actually healthy he always feels like throwing up. he stopped trying to eat meat a few weeks ago, because he doesn't have any energy left to digest it. he _mostly_ cares about the maknae who's always busy with his computer games rather than his own health.

 

 

 

also, he always wonders what the hell chanwoo eats because he _never_ sees him in the kitchen, and it worries him so much that sometimes, he forgets he's not his _favorite_ hyung _anymore_. _yeah, it's not me anymore. i'm just another member for him, not a best friend or even a close friend worthy enough for his small talks._

 

 

  
yunhyeong remembers that he is not his best friend _anymore_ , that it _isn't_ his job to take care of the maknae. _no, not anymore._ chanwoo doesn't visit him anymore whenever he feels like he's unworthy of being in the group. yunhyeong isn't the maknae's go-to person, _not anymore._

 

 

  
it hurts him, because he feels chanwoo has turned his back on him. and it feels like being stabbed in the heart with all the feelings bottled up inside of him.

 

 

  
he wants answers from the maknae. he seeks for unexplained questions running through his head. _why did you leave me? what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment?_ but of course, as long yunhyeong's scared of the outcome, none of it will be answered.

 

 

  
his decreasing weight might've been too obvious considering the other members have noticed and asked him about it. the members, although oblivious with the cold war between the two of them, ask him about his health.

 

 

  
"yunhyeong-hyung, do you even eat? you look like you haven't eaten for a few days," junhoe told him once while in the company car, along with jinhwan on their way to a fan meeting. the eldest, too, butts in the conversation.

 

 

  
"yah, junhoe is right, yunhyeongie. are you even taking care of yourself lately? you seem out of it..." jinhwan observed, looking at him directly. right at that moment, yunhyeong wanted to cry. he _wanted to cry_ at the two and tell them how much he feels alone about this whole 'chanwoo-and-i-aren't-talking-and-i-don't-even-fucking-know-why' situation. he wanted to expose the harsh truth, that he's feeling helpless and he's not okay at all.

 

 

 

except he did exactly the opposite. he beamed at jinhwan and junhoe, even though his smile faltered a little, trying to keep them at ease. "i'm fine, hyung. i'm just trying a new diet, it's effective isn't it?" he said, clapping his hands. the two looked at him in amusement. "are you sure? it doesn't look—"

 

 

  
"no, it's just a new diet i'm trying. i'm fine, june-yah." he stopped junhoe before he could finish what he was about to say, smiling too sweetly. jinhwan must've sensed his discomfort and the awkward atmosphere so he just shrugged. "ok, sure. you still look good, anyway." he said, turning his back on yunhyeong and faced junhoe.

 

 

 

"june-yah, let me borrow your phone..." yunhyeong did a good job on dodging the topic, letting himself fall in a restless nap. on the other hand, jinhwan typed something into the younger's phone.

 

 

 

 _"there is something wrong with yunhyeong..."_  junhoe read softly the message he typed. he looked at the sleeping yunhyeong before answering in a hushed voice. "yeah, i know. he must be going through some stuff."

 

 

 

jinhwan softly punched him in the head, making his hair a bit messy. "hyung!" whimpering to the older, still in a hushed voice.

 

 

 

"yah, i'm older than you, don't you dare drop the honorifics," jinhwan glared at him. "and you're right. i think this has something to do about chanwoo."

 

 

 

the two of them sighed. they badly want to help the two, especially yunhyeong, because they could see the two has been suffering enough without each other's company. jinhwan, especially, wants to fix the situation, being the mathyung and all. but he's essentially inadequate to talk to them if they won't give him details.

 

 

 

"jinani, this is making yunhyeong-hyung sad. should we do this _plan_ immediately?" junhoe asked, pertaining to the master plan they've discussed a few weeks prior. jinhwan forgot about it completely, due to their schedules but quickly remembered as junhoe talked about it.

 

 

  
"yah, koo junhoe you're such a genius!" jinhwan acted like a schoolgirl as he shook his body close to junhoe's. "this is great! i just got a call a few hours ago from the writers to prepare for ikon tv filming. now's the time to make our plan work!" he excitedly said, shaking the younger's shoulders.

 

 

 

if someone could see them, they would assume that jinhwan is way younger than junhoe because of his height and his overflowing excitement.

 

 

 

"wait, hold on," junhoe stopped him from shaking as the younger tried to think. "we should make sure that one of us could take the lead for episode one or at least the teasers."

 

 

  
jinhwan nodded, composing himself. "yeah, about that. the writers didn't say much about how will we shoot the episode 1 or even the context of the episode but i'm sure it will be about the teasers and stuff."

 

 

 

the two of them just nodded, sitting with the comfortable silence they're sharing.

 

 

 

however, junhoe's mind _wanders_ somewhere else, remembering a not-so-distant memory associated with yunhyeong's sudden dreariness. that memory certainly makes the younger anxious and worried, frightened by a vivid memory of hanbin relapsing one cold night of october.

 

 

 

junhoe remembers how 2017 went for them, as they got busy with their Japan Dome Tour. although they received a lot of love from fans, especially from their japanese audience, iKON also received a lot of hate from the k-pop community.

 

 

  
they only released two singles for that year, and their last single was way back 2016 with #WYD, so most of the members didn't really expect the singles to fly in their native country. what they didn't expect is the amount of bashing they got from korean netizens, saying the "iKON has flopped", "iKON had the weakest comeback of 2017", and other harrowing things that made their hearts ache.

 

 

 

they've been a subject of endless bashing ever since they debuted, as people often discredit their hardwork and efforts during their initial survival program 'WIN: Who Is Next', calling them a copycat of their sunbaenims bigbang. and even when the show concluded and their team (minus chanwoo) already lost to team a, people still won't stop on hating on them.

 

 

 

hanbin has it worse, as he is the leader of the group. all of them saw what hanbin has sacrificed and gave away just to debut with them, as a member of iKON. he had the worst kind of pain because his talent as a rapper, a music producer, a songwriter and a composer has been questioned countless times, while the rest has been criticized by their looks and vocals only, and nothing compares to what hanbin has dealt with.

 

 

 

junhoe couldn't remember when it happened but he remembers a night where he accidentally saw hanbin in the living room, asleep with a pen in his hand. junhoe, back then, thought it was just a silly thing for his hyung to do, but now that he remembered that memory, it made him sad. hanbin has always sacrificed his sleep in order to right songs, only to get bashed and trash talked by people.

 

 

 

  
junhoe wondered how painful it felt when people doubt your talent countless times, and he still tries to multiply the amount of agony he felt whenever people say he's just "another pretty face" or whatever just so he could understand how hanbin has persevered.

 

 

 

he _believed_ hanbin is some sort of a tough cookie, because he's always been able to keep their spirits up even during those hard times. yes, jinhwan has been his shoulder to lean on ever since they were just trainees but hanbin, he has a burning passion just so their team could be where they are right now. not exclusively at the top, but nonetheless they are getting the recognition and love they really deserve.

 

 

 

  
_that's what makes it scary,_ junhoe thought. because it's the people you least expect that are actually the most damaged, _almost_ beyond repair. it's hard to tell what a person really feels because there's no way for anyone to see what's going on inside of that person's mind, and it's especially hard for junhoe to read anyone's thoughts because he has taken a liking on ignoring and hating on other people just out of random.

 

 

 

  
so it was a big mystery to junhoe on why would hanbin do such gruesome things to himself just a few days after his birthday. it's not like junhoe doesn't experience sadness or even anxiety, but it was totally different on hanbin's case.

 

 

 

  
it was just two days after hanbin's birthday that they have celebrated on a restaurant with b.i's family along with the staff and the members, and they were about to go back to chiba, japan in a week to continue their tour.

 

 

 

of course, b.i's birthday party was a blast. even though the ceo wasn't there to celebrate it with them, he still sent hanbin a gift and a bottle of champagne for his celebration. it was a fun night, and the rest of iKON thought hanbin really had a good time.

 

 

 

hanbin's enjoyment had been their priority for a while back then because he was constantly under pressure of producing and writing good-quality songs, and also leading the team and spearheading the choreography and stuff all at the same time. jinhwan thought hanbin really needed a break and a really cool birthday party just so he could loosen up a little.

 

 

  
and yes, maybe hanbin _did_ enjoy the party a little. he even got wasted that night. luckily, his family already went home when he started to vomit whatever the hell he drank. but loosen up a little? definitely did not happen.

 

 

 

it was around ten when the members decided it would be best to just leave the choreography for one of their songs in that way and called it a night. most of them were dead tired so hanbin eventually agreed, with the condition of continuing their practice early in the morning. but really, junhoe knew that's not going to happen because b.i really needed to cut off some slacks, and few additional hours of sleep would help him.

 

 

 

once they got home, most of them got to their respective bedrooms immediately. they were all tired, obviously, and so was junhoe. so he, too went to sleep. it wasn't until around two or quarter to two of the morning when he felt thirsty. he went out of their room he was sharing with donghyuk and jinhwan, but he quickly went back inside just to stare at jinhwan. jinhwan was obviously asleep but junhoe couldn't resist on watching the oldest sleeping.

 

 

 

 _jinan-ah, you look so squishy,_ junhoe beamed. jinhwan is definitely squishy, except he's also ready to fight for whoever calls him that. junhoe just stared for like, a solid minute, which is completely normal because jinhwan has always been a good friend and a good listener. junhoe thought he was really lucky to meet someone like him in his life, coming out of the room smiling from ear to ear.

 

 

 

he was rummaging through the refrigerator for a bottled water to drink when he suddenly hear something coming from the bathroom. of course, it startled junhoe, dropping the bottle on his foot. "ow!" he whispered, holding his foot while jumping in pain.

 

 

 

when the pain subsided, junhoe stared at the bathroom door out of curiosity. it was almost three of the morning, an ungodly hour, and he was sure that none of the members were awake. heck, he suddenly felt scared out of his wits, because they don't have pets in their dorm either.

 

 

 

 _what the fuck? is there a ghost in there or something?_ junhoe mentally facepalms himself, scared that a fucking ghost might jumped out of the bathroom once he opens the door. so, as the intellectual he is, he opted to press his ear against the door, trying to get any sound from inside the bathroom.

 

 

 

and there it was, a slow breathing from a person, not from a ghost. junhoe sighed in relief, and was about to go back to the kitchen when he realized that there was a person inside of the bathroom. and it's fucking three of the morning. _what the fuck?_

 

 

 

in that moment, the twenty-one year old junhoe was scared again. but he's not a quitter, not even once— if you don't count his own cowardice and own stupidity of not actually confessing his feelings to jinhwan, which you really shouldn't— and he's got guts. that's why even though junhoe felt like shitting his pants, he still knocked to know who's inside.

 

 

 

"h-hello?" junhoe cleared his throat, mentally punching himself for being obviously scared. "who's in there?"

 

 

 

"junhoe?"

 

 

  
the younger was definitely shocked to hear hanbin's voice coming from the bathroom. plus it doesn't explain why the heck he's still inside of the bathroom in that fucking hour. "hanbin-hyung? is that you?"

 

 

 

he was about to open the door but he was immediately stopped by hanbin's panicked voice. "w-wait! don't open the door!" hanbin stammered, but junhoe thought it was because hanbin's taking a dump that's why he didn't listen to him. 

 

 

 

he thought it would be funny if he could see him shitting on action.

 

 

 

"okay, hyung. sleep tight," junhoe tried to suppress his laughter as he faked his footsteps towards his room.

 

 

 

when he heard hanbin sigh out of relief, he immediately opened the bathroom door and was beyond horrified to see a lot of blood in the bathroom floor.

 

 

 

hanbin was literally sitting in a pool of his own blood. and maybe because he didn't expect junhoe to actually enter the bathroom, the younger couldn't place b.i's expression. though he believed he was just as shocked as he was at that moment.

 

 

junhoe's laughter has died along with his heart, his eyes fixated on the red liquid painting the bathroom floor with such menace.

 

 

 

 _what the fuck? what an actual fuck?_ junhoe didn't know what to do. faint? cry? hug hanbin? pretend he didn't see anything and hope hanbin cleaned his mess? let hanbin die because of blood loss? there's a lot of shit going through his head, but he still managed to form some words before his emotions could fully show themselves.

 

 

 

"hyung, w-what? what did y-you do?" _shit, koo junhoe keep your shit together._ he slowly walked towards hanbin, but the rapper of their group tried to brush him off. "no, junhoe. p-please just go..."

 

 

 

yeah, junhoe might be an emotionally constipated person but hanbin's their leader and also his friend, and they literally grew together. it broke his heart to see hanbin in that sunken position, his puffy eyes giving away the hurt he's been hiding for so long, the self-inflicted cuts from his wrists telling stories no one has heard before.

 

 

  
hanbin was busy taking care of them that the younger momentarily forgets hanbin is a human too, an imperfect and hurting human being, capable of feeling pain and other emotions.

 

 

 

he was their to keep their spirits up, to help them reach the best versions of themselves and it certainly made the second-youngest sad. how could their leader with the brightest smile attempt to killing himself? junhoe was devastated to see hanbin hit his rock bottom, and he was unaware that his tears were already falling until hanbin pointed it out.

 

 

 

"yah, don't cry j-junhoe... please s-stop..." well, it definitely made junhoe cry even more, to hear hanbin say those words even though he was the one who literally sliced open his wrists. as if the two of them were still trainees, during their survival show days.

 

 

 

junhoe tried to stop his tears from falling but really, he couldn't help it. so, instead of suppressing them, he just held hanbin's arm and looked at him with his watery eyes. "h-hyung... why? why are you doing... t-these?"

 

 

 

junhoe or anyone isn't new with self-harm, or even depression and anxiety attacks. but junhoe... he didn't get it. he didn't understand how could a person hurt himself to the point they could actually commit suicide. but seeing hanbin like that, it made him understand what does it felt, even though he didn't do it himself.

 

 

 

he understood the pain, he understands what hanbin felt that night when both of them couldn't contain their tears as the younger gently wrapped bandages around the cleaned but still bloodied wrists of b.i.

 

 

 

"i-i'm.. sorry, june-yah..." he stammered as he thank ed junhoe, who stopped crying a few moments ago. junhoe had assisted hanbin to the living room while he took care of the blood on the floor of the bathroom. the younger also put gauze pads on his wrists, cleaning the blood with antiseptics but also making sure hanbin's comfortable with the whole process.

 

 

 

hanbin was really thankful for junhoe, because he was providing him warmth and a small glimpse of peace inside of his mind.

 

 

 

on the other hand, hanbin didn't exactly understand why did he do such stupid thing. now regretting what he did, he felt stupid. he felt stupid for his actions, just because he's sad and feeling undeserving. _fuck, kim hanbin, you're so fucking stupid. what the fuck?_

 

 

for one, b.i never understood where all the sadness was coming from. was it from the constant pressure that's been building up since their debut? was it from the loneliness and isolation he's been feeling even though he literally talks to seven members on a daily basis? or was it from the pain he's been ignoring ever since he knew yunhyeong has taken a liking on the maknae of their group, chanwoo?

 

 

 

_maybe it was the third. ~~it was definitely the third.~~_

 

 

it's not like hanbin hates yunhyeong or chanwoo. he _doesn't_ hate yunhyeong, scratch that, he could _never_ hate yunhyeong. yunhyeong is and will always be a special person in his life. they've been together through tough and hard times, and for a moment, they were happy with each other's company.

 

 

 

hanbin knew about yunhyeong's feelings from the very start. and he used yunhyeong to the point he was even disgusted at himself. and it's not that hard to see past yunhyeong's loving stare on the maknae, it's just so hard to see that with his own eyes though because it used to be fixated on him, not chanwoo.

 

 

 

"hyung?" his thoughts were interrupted by junhoe, who's already offering him a cup of hot coffee. he mouthed a silent thanks as he took the cup, the younger sitting next to him. "uh... so..."

 

 

 

hanbin wanted to cry again. he felt embarrassing, being so vulnerable in front of junhoe. "hanbin-hyung, you're not embarrassing... it's... it's okay." _shit, how did he even knew what the hell i'm thinking?_

 

 

 

"don't ask, it's literally plastered on your face, i'm no mind reader, hyung." junhoe laughed a little, as he drank the liquid from his own cup. somehow, the remark made hanbin feel comfortable, as if the tension between them was slowly vanishing. it also helped calm hanbin down, as felt he breathless with the thoughts running through his head.

 

 

 

the two of them just sat there in silence, sipping on their own drinks in a comfortable yet looming tranquility. in fact, junhoe was feeling shit. he was actually holding himself back from bombarding hanbin with questions, and oh god, thank you for his self-control. even though he was clearly eager to milk out answers from hanbin, junhoe knew that the older might be sensitive about it.

 

 

 

 _if it's nothing, then why would he try to kill himself?_ junhoe thought of reasons why would their humble leader try and kill himself, but he couldn't find anything from his memories. and of course, he isn't hanbin. he doesn't know what dark shit happens inside of that very head of b.i.

 

 

 

"hyung—" junhoe was about to start talking when hanbin also spoke, his voice soft and quiet. junhoe didn't even hear what hanbin had said, so he asked him to repeat what he just said. "what?"

 

 

 

the older sighed, as he looked down the floor. "i'm sorry."

 

 

 

"i'm sorry... for doing such stupid thing. i didn't mean to slit my wrists or even try k-killing myself," he gulped, as he avoided junhoe's gaze. hanbin felt disgusting for himself, as he felt somewhat small in front of the younger.

 

 

 

"it's just that... i'm feeling sad and shit... b-but i'm okay now. i'm sorry you had to witness that, june-yah." he lifted his head up to meet the younger's eyes, and hanbin couldn't possibly know what's going on inside of junhoe's head.

 

 

 

_does he think i'm useless? will he think lowly of me now?_

 

 

 

 ~~ _he must be thinking i'm such a weakling._~~ "i'm sorry for being weak and useless and—" he quietly sobbed, but hanbin quickly suppressed this in order to continue. he couldn't afford to embarrass himself more, and crying is the last thing on his mind that he would let junhoe witness.

 

 

 

"i'm really sorry junhoe. i am sorry to all of you. i'm sorry i'm fucking crying here instead of writing songs and shit that will finally make us famous or something—"

 

 

 

junhoe, hanbin observed, wasn't much a fan of initiating skinships or anything that involves emotions. but here he is, hugging hanbin spontaneously, with such warmth and tenderness that the pitiful crybaby inside of him started to take over his body.

 

 

 

he cried his eyes out, without saying anything to junhoe. he wept as if all of his problems and issues he was dealing with could be erased by junhoe's company. junhoe just let him cry, without saying anything to him.

 

 

 

junhoe never knew what was going on inside of hanbin's mind, and it never really occurred to him how frustrated and lonely hanbin was. hanbin was just like him, like anyone of them, and he's not special.

 

 

 

just because he has a knack on rapping and a spectacular talent on songwriting and song composition, he could transform the pain into something beautiful. _the world doesn't work that way._ hanbin was bound to release all of his frustrations to someone and junhoe was glad it was him.

 

 

 

they stayed like that on what felt like a lifetime to hanbin, and he didn't even know he felt asleep when he woke up to his room, tucked in his bedroom covers on his own bed. junhoe had taken him to his bed and made sure his wrists weren't showing from his sweater.

 

 

 

and hanbin felt grateful for that. junhoe is, and in fact, a warm person, hanbin realized.

 

 

 

the next morning, no one has talked about what happened that night. or even the next morning. or even the next. the two of them aren't really on speaking terms, with all of the practice and preparations for their new album.

 

 

 

but it was there. junhoe hopes hanbin could still feel the connection they share that one faithful night of october. even though they aren't that close as much as junhoe and jinhwan are, or how flirty bobby and hanbin are, he wants hanbin to know that he'd always be there for him.

 

 

 

it was a night of despair, but because of junhoe, hanbin remembers that night as a glimpse of happiness in a tunnel of darkness. he saved hanbin's life, to be honest. and they're both grateful for it.

 

 

 

and now, yunhyeong's showing early signs of depression has alarmed junhoe and jinhwan.

 

 

 

of course, he's the only one who knows about what's the real reason why hanbin prefers using sweaters over shirts, a silent agreement the two of them shared. but it is also alarming jinhwan, and junhoe wonders if he could do it again for the second time.

 

 

 

to save yunhyeong from his own thoughts. he wants to believe he's going to, but junhoe isn't so sure. after all, he's not a knight on shining armor. he's just unfortunately stuck in between of all this mess they call monster twins, and he wishes he could do something.

 

 

 

he wishes chanwoo and yunhyeong to reconcile but to no avail, so it's up to him and jinhwan to play cupid and mend yunhyeong's spirit.

 

 

 

 

the members were just finishing their makeup when a staff entered the room, asking all of them in a conference room where they would begin filming a few moments after. also, this announcement has snapped yunhyeong back to reality, as he was lost in his own thoughts.

 

 

 

 _i guess i just need to act fine,_ he told himself. he could feel himself throwing up the breakfast he ate in the morning but he tried to control his breathing, knowing all too well it's because of the stress, not because he's bulimic or whatever.

 

 

 

all the members are obviously nervous, with all the cameras and staff gathered behind the lens. although they've been filmed a lot of times since their debut, they couldn't believe they're actually filming their own reality show. but yunhyeong is exceptionally nervous, because he needs to put up his façade again that he's doing fine, that he's not actually dead inside.

 

 

 

the staff guides them in the conference room with the cameras already set up. they aren't prepared that much as the cameras start to roll when all seven of them gather in the table.

 

 

 

yunhyeong still doesn't know what the hell are they going to do. and the uncertainty makes him anxious obviously to the fact that he and chanwoo needs to interact for this filming.

 

 

 

he hopes they wouldn't need to talk casually to each other, although subconsciously he hopes chanwoo and him will get a private time to talk. because yunhyeong's tired of waiting for an explanation, so if chanwoo won't budge, a little talk won't hurt.

 

 

 

the staff finally gives them papers, passing them around for each member with their own names on it. it excites yunhyeong, considering they're about to do something. but the fact that chanwoo is sitting across from him, it makes his mind go haywire.

 

 

 

he feels sad yet happy at the same time, because one, he can actually steal small glances over him and two, be a little bitch about how he misses him.

 

 

 

whatever he feels for chanwoo isn't his priority, though. he thinks of what he should put on the resume in front of him, and he can worry about his feelings for the maknae later.

 

 

 

and his suicide, of course.


End file.
